At last...

Does a good outlook lead to good fortune, or is it the other way around? I don't know, but either way, this has been the best week I've had in months.

- In the spirit of following my bliss this year, I have acquired a sewing machine in order to make good on my long-standing desire to learn how to sew. I originally purchased a fairly simple Kenmore from Sears: it's small, it's cute, it's shiny and new. Perfect, right? But my stepmom, who's an expert seamstress, insisted on sending me one of hers, which arrived the day before yesterday. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't this-- a Viking 6460, which I'm certain is at least as old as I am. The machine pictured on this page (second from the bottom) must have never been used, because mine looks like it's sewn through Hell and back-- it's yellowed and dusty, the stickers are wearing off and the knobs have no labels. Honestly, I'm too intimidated to actually plug it in and make sure it works properly. But hey, free is a great price for a sewing machine, and if I can learn on this one, I'll be ready for anything. Bring it on!

- My mother called me on Wednesday to tell me that my grandmother has spontaneously decided to give all of her grandkids $1,000. I'm still kind of stunned by her generosity, not to mention the serendipitous timing. I haven't accepted any kind of financial support from anyone in my family for several years, but seeing as it's a family-wide gift and I'm still working part-time for what amounts to a handful of beans, it absolutely could not be coming at a better time. I can't describe the relief it will be to help me cover my bills until I'm promoted, which brings us to...

- ...the news my manager gave me yesterday, which is that he's given his two weeks notice to move on and because of this, has recommended me for immediate promotion to Asst Manager so that I and the current Asst Manager could share the duty until a replacement is found for him. I've really enjoyed working for him and will be truly sad to see him go, but hopefully this means that I'll be promoted within the next couple weeks and this months-long waiting game will finally be over. He hasn't yet gotten a confirmation for my promotion from the regional manager, so this is still up in the air, but the gears are at least in motion. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

- The gift money I'm getting is going strictly to bills, but I did allow myself one exception: a much-needed new digital camera. I'll be brightening up my posts with a lot more pictures once it comes in.

Here's to hoping the good fortune keeps coming!

What are you holding onto?

Fortunately, the perk of writing a blog versus a novel is that on occasions like this, I can skip the gooey, weepy middle of this sad plotline and skip right to the happy ending, which is that Evan and I have gotten back together and are doing better than ever. I think we both knew that some time apart would help us see how much we mean to each other, but I for one didn't expect it to be so quick or so overwhelming. It is abundantly clear to me now that I'm the luckiest man alive to be with him, which must mean this temporary breakup was a success (assuming such a thing is possible). Even though this isn't a novel, I'm going to slap a big THE END. on this issue and move on.

2006 is over, as you may have noticed, and with it have (coincidentally) ended several unpleasant months of health, relationship, job and other woes, many of which I didn't choose to describe here. In fact, as of the past few weeks things are looking downright sunny. December 18th was my last day at my full-time job, and since then I haven't once missed it or regretting leaving: I need a more creative and positive environment than I had there. These days I'm working part time at a video game store as previously mentioned, which is as challenging as it is fun. While I'm having to dip into my savings to get by at the moment, I was prepared to do that and there are some opportunities coming up for me at this job that I'm very excited and optimistic about. I realized recently that it's been years since I've had a job I liked going to, and so far it's making everything else a lot more enjoyable with it. Funny how that happens.

The consistently eloquent danah boyd, self-made pundit of the Internets, started 2007 with a study on teenagers' use of social networking sites for surprisingly disposeable expression. [Also worth reading is her essay on Facebook's recent privacy snafu, which made TIME's look downright inane.] The trend she illustrates is that if they lose a password or access, which apparently happens often, they simply make a new profile/username/etc. and repeat the process: there's no major commitment or attachment to their online representation. Considering that in three months this journal will be six years old (for better or for worse, as these days much of the content in the archives embarasses me), it's obvious that I'm not the type to hold that view of things. But the article still left me with the lingering question of: What other things am I holding in a deathgrip that probably don't deserve that much energy? I don't have any immediate answers, but it's something I'm going to keep in mind. I think my goal in 2007 is going to be to relax and be a little more accepting of circumstances. Life is just too goddamn short. (You'd think the cancer would have made taught me that, but I'm surprisingly stubborn.)

So here's to 2007, which I hope for all of us will be the year that our fears are quelled, our needs are met, our joys are found, and we each become the person we have always wanted to be.

The end.

Despite the fact that we still love each other, and despite the fact we've worked so hard to make it work, Evan and I decided to break up yesterday. We're doing this now so that we can work on our own issues and come back together in the future as happy, whole people, able to start off on the right foot again. Logically, we both know that this is the best option for us right now. But that hasn't made it any less excrutiating.

I've been through all kinds of physical pain, but this is totally different and worse than all of them. I feel like I'm suffocating; I'm constantly having to gasp for air, even when I'm not doing anything. I've been spending time out of the house and with friends, which has been a huge help, but when I stay still for too long it creeps back over me and my heart starts pounding and I start sobbing again. Hearing myself cry makes me feel even worse, though, so then I stop and find something else to do. I'm always hungry but eating makes me nauseous. All I really want to do is put on one of Evan's t-shirts and curl up in bed and sleep. I just want to sleep for a month and wake up as a whole person again.

I know we did this so we could have a better chance at a future, but that's poor consolation when the present feels like this.

Echoes and shifts.

I read Speaker for the Dead years ago and passionately hated it, but it has one scene that's always stayed with me. The most interesting character in the novel is Jane, an artificial sentience that makes herself known to the protagonist Ender and piggybacks on his experiences via an earpiece he wears. At some point in the story (my memory is fuzzy), Jane distracts him while he's talking with another character and he temporarily turns off the earpiece. The next few pages describe the minute, complex, instantaneous effects of this action on Jane, who must completely restructure herself to adapt to this sudden disconnection from him. This is the only thing I remember from that entire book, and after I talked with Evan this afternoon, clicked End and put the phone back in my pocket, I realized that this transformation had suddenly happened to me. Our week apart and that conversation have shown me that Evan is living his own life now, and the connection between us has been severed and replaced with something else. The old me that was attached to him can no longer exist.

The only difference is that I don't have the efficient immediacy with which Jane recreated herself-- only that sudden awareness of isolation, need, and infinite loose ends.

Awww...

Some of the little girls in the community made me a Christmas ornament! Behold the cute.

I feel like the Grinch when his heart swells up and breaks the X-ray machine.

Two weeks' notice, squared

I took Monday off work to job hunt and yesterday gave my formal notice to quit. December 18th will be my last day. I'm alternating between huge waves of relief to finally be out of this job and quick, jarring pangs of panic about my future. I still don't have a new job locked down yet, but I've put in eight applications around town over the past few days and with the ongoing holiday rush I'm confident something decent will turn up soon. And if it doesn't, well, hard crunches like this are why I've been so frugal. I'd love to spend my savings on electronics, vacations and clothes-- to blow the whole thing on an orgasmic consumerist rampage-- but my parents raised me to be too practical to do that, which I guess I'm thankful for. (To an extent, anyway. My whole life is like that scene in South Park where Kyle can't toss his nunchaku down the well to avoid getting in trouble because he can't bear the idea of having wasted $20 on them. I don't know what the hell they put in the matzah balls when we're little to make us like this, but whatever it is it apparently stays with us for life. [Another anecdote: My boss (also Jewish) and I were given gift certificates to Honey Baked Ham for Christmas, but we're both unable to use them on the grounds that the place is way too expensive-- even though it's not our money being spent. How sad is that?])

On Sunday Evan and I also gave our relationship something of a two weeks' notice. We're taking the next two weeks off to sort out our own lives and then reconvene the Sunday after next to decide whether or not we'll stay together. I have no idea what will happen then, and at this point have no idea what I even want to happen. Things from this point on will at the very least be different.

It's a little disconcerting to think that my whole life could change in two weeks, or not change at all.

Unexpected events.

All my worry about Thanksgiving was for naught-- it was one of the best ones I can remember. The day started with a slew of wonderful presents from my wonderful Evan, after which we packed up and headed to Atlanta for the feast. The total group was Evan, my sister, brother-in-law, cousin and me, and we had dinner with some of my sister's friends who had a beautiful house, excellent culinary skills, impressive alcohol tolerance and the kind of sharp, crass sense of humor that I appreciate most. After we ate, we spread out between a few rooms and left the patio door open to enjoy the night air. At some point a huge, tan Boxer-looking dog wandered onto the patio and into the house and simply made himself comfortable, peering into various rooms and helping himself to play with the family dog's toys (about which said dog was less than thrilled). My sister's friends assumed he belonged to one of their neighbors and asked around but no one seemed to recognize him. He was very sweet, very hungry and didn't bark once all night, so, naturally, they're fairly set on adopting him. Food, family, friends, wine, birthday cake, and a home for a stray dog: that's a damn fine Thanksgiving.

I've had a bit of a revelation since I started the part-time job: I'm not as awful a person as I thought. For ages now I've kind of accepted the fact that I'm an asshole because in a given situation I seem to excel most in the role of the Bad Cop (and I usually enjoy it). I'm seeing now, though, that might not be all my own fault. I'm a completely different person at the new job-- patient, friendly, outgoing and upbeat-- and it's because I enjoy my new job infinitely more than my full-time one. It involves a subject I enjoy (video games) and I get to do something for people that makes them happy (talk about and sell games), whereas in my full-time job all I do is I make them upset (harassing them about money, violations, rules, etc). It is a good thing to know that I'm a nice guy after all, and not somehow broken with my demeanor switch jammed permanently into Surly Asshole mode.

And that's all well and good, but it doesn't really help the fact that I'm working a full-time job that I completely loathe. I love the people I work with, but over the past few months I've steadily grown to hate the work I do and the person I have to be there. This is why I've decided to quit, even if it means dipping into my savings until another full-time position becomes available to me. I can't describe how much it terrifies me to give up a job that's been so secure, well-paying and often rewarding-- especially here in Athens, which has a nonexistent job market-- in favor of a future that isn't at all certain. But the question I keep asking myself is, How long should you go on being miserable simply because you know it's safe? I don't quite know what my future looks like except, with growing certainty, that this job is not going to be a part of it. I'm trying my best to believe that everything else will become equally clear.

Work, the holidays and Pharaoh

Pharaoh went to the vet a few days ago for his yearly checkup and shots. I'm proud to say he's fit and in great health, just very large-- 17 pounds, according to Dr Maxwell's scale. ("Oh, he is a monster," she said when I brought him into the room.) He fell into a strangely subdued funk afterwards, though, that he's only slowly coming out of now. I don't know if it was because he was traumatized or angry, but I actually miss his surliness.

In other news, my job situation seems to finally be changing for the better. I still have my full-time job, but I started a part-time job a few weeks ago at a video game retailer and am loving it. It's my first experience in retail and it's been a big challenge to adjust-- I wrongly assumed that good customer service skills could be applied equally in any field. But I'm making progress, I (of course) love the merchandise, I get along well with the rest of the staff and there are some exciting opportunities for advancement that will hopefully be opening up for me there in the future. Until then, it's kind of refreshing not being in a managerial position. Organizing a display of games doesn't have quite the same stress level involved as, say, going to court and evicting people from their homes. And hey, it's some pocket money in time for the holidays.

And that reminds me to note that we're having our office Thanksgiving lunch in about an hour, then tomorrow Evan and I are going to my sister's and brother-in-law's in Atlanta to have the main event with them and some of their friends. For as long as I can remember my dad and stepmom have held a huge family dinner back in Asheville-- far and away my favorite day of the year-- but this year they're out travelling. I'm sure Atlanta will be fun, but it would have been really great to be back in Asheville in a year that Thanksgiving and my birthday coincided.

But this is a time to be thankful, not complaining, right? I know we'll have a fantastic time, and hope everyone else does too! (I'm making a cheesecake just to be safe.)

The new site is up and running!

It took a lot longer than expected, but the new version of aporia is here! (If you're reading this post via some other means [ahem], I humbly request you take a look at the site to see what I'm talking about. Plase? Don't make me pile on the Jewish guilt.) As you can see, in keeping with current Web 2.0 standards there are a lot more gadgets, gizmos and even doodads available in that handy toolbar on the left. On the right there are some helpful ads from Amazon; it's worth a shot, right? And sprinkled throughout, there are more exclamation marks, because let's face it: the old layout was looking kind of lonely and sad. With comments now enabled and my email address more prevalent I'm hoping it'll also be a little easier to contact me. Hey, speaking of-- what do you think of this new version? Any suggestions? Run into any bugs? Do let me know.