I'm exhausted but I need to write. I don't care how convoluted or hypocritical or melodramatic any of this sounds, because it's not any of those things-- it's pure, real honesty.

For the past several days I have spent hours and hours thinking. Just thinking, and realizing things. A lot of this started when I got my cancer diagnosis, but other factors from both before and after the diagnosis have given this more momentum, and now I'm speeding forward so quickly that I can't stop this (but more importantly, I don't want to). Having cancer has made me realize that I could die, something I never really stopped to consider previously. And the fact of the matter is, there was always the chance I could be diagnosed with cancer. I could be diagnosed with cancer again, too! It could happen tomorrow or next week or next month or maybe not at all, so instead I just suddenly die. Or if it's not an illness or a tumor that kills me, then it could be one of a million other things. The point is that at the drop of a hat my life could be over. But instead of fearing this-- instead of living my life as though I'm about to die-- I find myself motivated and inspired to really and trully live.

All of this has forced me to take a long look at my life as it is. Anime, videogames, DDR, yaoi, AOL, some music, some clothes-- good god, is that my life? It's not good enough. If this is life then I might as well be dead, because none of these things mean anything.

Much of my life, as I have constructed it up to this very second, is completely and utterly worthless. Much of my life is frivolous filler that I've used to simply occupy my waking hours and keep my brain disengaged. And the truth is, of course, that this process has gone on for days and weeks and months and years. I knew this and ignored it because I didn't know anything else, but I just can't ignore it anymore. I understand now that time is too valuable to be wasted and life is too short to be squandered.

My views of my world and myself and my life have been permanently destroyed, which means right now, I have nothing left. I don't know exactly what views will come to take their place, and that really scares me, but I'm confident that in time they will indeed be replaced with better things. My old reality feels as foreign to me as a skin that I've shed, or better yet a dream-- if it's a dream, then I feel like I've finally woken up. It's both exciting and terrifying, because I don't know anything but that dream and I never have. I've woken up into a reality I don't know, and I'm alone in it, and I have no choice but to figure it out. I don't even know how or where to start. All I know is I have to try, because if I ever stop trying then I'll go back to sleep. Now that I have woken up and realized there's so much more out there-- even if I don't even know what yet-- I think that if I ever go back to sleep, my soul will die, and I'll die with it. I can't go back to my old life and what's more, I don't want to.

So now I am picking through the rubble of my old life for the pieces worth keeping. I figured out that these are the things in my old life that I don't just enjoy, but that really make me feel alive. These are the things that genuinely matter. I made a list of them: the people I love and who love me; writing; creating art. Unsurprisingly, it's a short list, which means I'm going to have to try many more things, do many more things, be many more things, to discover what else I enjoy and am passionate about and consider things possible to shape a meaningful life out of. It's a daunting challenge but I'm looking forward to it. I know I can do it and I don't have a choice anyway-- I can live awake or die asleep. The choice is so simple.

Besides this process, I've made some other decisions. For one, I have only seen a tiny, tiny portion of the world and I want and need to see more. (Seeing the film Baraka months ago is largely responcible for opening my eyes to this fact and for changing my view of the world forever. I think everyone should see it if they can.) I'm going to spend one or several of my remaining semesters of college studying abroad. This has a dual purpose-- I'll be able to experience new situations and cultures and will also be able to get out of America, which as of late I've been seeing more and more as a rushed, materialistic, soul-smothering place. This isn't to say that anywhere else I go will necessarily be better, of course, but it will at least be different, and something I can possibly learn from. I've talked about studying abroad with my parents before and know that it's an option. I wasn't really serious about it then, but I am now. The only thing that would stop me from doing it would be being so far away from Matt for so long, but I know we could get through it if I did it. We've been through worse.

Another thing I've decided, or I guess realized, is that all of the restrictions I placed on myself before no longer feel valid to me. For various reasons I refused to ever drink alcohol, do drugs, eat seafood, drink coffee-- there are probably tons more that I haven't consciously thought of yet. By keeping these restrictions on myself I came to develop pride in them, but now that pride feels completely arbitrary and pointless to me. I was depriving myself of things I didn't even fully understand because I hadn't done them. Now those restrictions are no longer there and I feel free to experience anything and everything, be it good or bad. At some point, just to experience them and decide what I really think about them, I'm going to get drunk, I'm going to drink a mug of coffee, I'm going to try sushi, I'm going to get high. Whether I love them or hate them I'll at least be able to learn from them, even if it's just what it feels like to get a hangover or what seafood tastes like. (I think the only thing I never want to try is smoking, simply because I don't see how I could stand to gain anything from it that makes it worth all the risks.) I'm going to go bungee-jumping and dye my hair and skinnydip, too. There's a million things I haven't done. I want to try them all, and now that I'm completely freed from my own restrictions, I can and I will.

There's probably more I've been thinking about that I could say, but I've been typing for two hours and should probably get to bed anyway, so I guess I'll pause here for now. I'm interested to know if any of this makes sense to anyone besides me. I also wonder what other people think of this, because other viewpoints might help me to figure all this out. So whether or not I know you, feel free to email me.

Here's to living life awake.