The end.

Despite the fact that we still love each other, and despite the fact we've worked so hard to make it work, Evan and I decided to break up yesterday. We're doing this now so that we can work on our own issues and come back together in the future as happy, whole people, able to start off on the right foot again. Logically, we both know that this is the best option for us right now. But that hasn't made it any less excrutiating.

I've been through all kinds of physical pain, but this is totally different and worse than all of them. I feel like I'm suffocating; I'm constantly having to gasp for air, even when I'm not doing anything. I've been spending time out of the house and with friends, which has been a huge help, but when I stay still for too long it creeps back over me and my heart starts pounding and I start sobbing again. Hearing myself cry makes me feel even worse, though, so then I stop and find something else to do. I'm always hungry but eating makes me nauseous. All I really want to do is put on one of Evan's t-shirts and curl up in bed and sleep. I just want to sleep for a month and wake up as a whole person again.

I know we did this so we could have a better chance at a future, but that's poor consolation when the present feels like this.