So what's new? Not much. I still feel lousy but I did get to spend some time with my dad this morning, which cheered me up some (as well as the fact he bought me a couple weeks' worth of groceries and offered to pay for my haircut). They drew blood this morning to test for the alphafeta protein (pardon my probably-incorrect spelling), which is produced by the body when the type of cancer I have is present. It was at level 20 the first time they drew blood, and they said now it needs to be at 6 or less. We'll have the results Monday around 2pm. Remember all that stuff the doctor told me at my last visit about the current treatment plans, which I paid close attention to, came home and immediately wrote in here? Yeah well, apparently somehow I got it wrong. If the protein level is below 6-- which they expect-- then I will have the lymph node biopsy. If it's above 6 I'll need chemotherapy. I have no idea whether or not that 40% risk they told me still applies. The best part is I can't apply for the second job I want until after we get the results and chances are it'll be filled by then.

I've never been on two road trips in five days before and it was an interesting experience! I can't stand the word "interesting" but I can't think of any better word right now either, probably because I'm exhausted. The trip to Athens was bittersweet. I surprised Matt with a call the night we got there since couldn't wait to introduce him to Bec and Mone, and I also hadn't seen him since the surgery. He showed up over an hour late than he said and after a while he didn't say much and I could barely even get him to smile. Also, right now Bec, Mone and I are really strapped for cash so we were all watching every dollar and trying to get money from each other. That made it kind of hard for us to enjoy ourselves when we went out (although at home we did obssessively play Puzzle Bobble/Bust-a-Move 4 on my roommate's Dreamcast, which was pretty fun). We were really excited to try out the brand new DDR 4th Mix Plus in the Tate gameroom, but it was $.75 a pop, the pads weren't broken in at all, and to top it off they had the volume set pretty low and were also blaring R&B shit over the gameroom speakers. It was really disappointing. Bec and Mone ran out of money before I did but since I paid for Bec's bus fare and for our gas for the trip, I wanted to use my last couple dollars myself. It was pretty selfish of me but I didn't realize it at the time, and it left us all feeling pretty irate. That night I went out with Matt for a couple hours. We got dinner and hung out at his place and talked, and it was basically the same as before-- instead of being really excited and happy to see me, he was depressed. It hurt that I couldn't cheer him up, but it hurts even more just knowing that he's feeling down. I don't know how I can help him but I'm going to do whatever I can, because he doesn't deserve to feel like this. I had all this on my mind for the drive back this morning, getting in just in time to change and head to work. I was looking forward to earing some good money tonight but it was such a slow night that they cut me almost an hour early, which means I'm not going to make hardly anything. At this rate I'm going to have to get a second job. This time last summer I was already making piles of money, I ran around with my friends all day and I didn't have a care in the world! Now I'm broke and the mortage is due, my friends are pissed at me, my boyfriend's three hours away and feeling depressed, and I have cancer. And I just remembered I'm supposed to be up in four hours to get some more fucking blood work done. More needles and more tests and more cancer. GODDAMMIT!

I just got the con pictures back! There are a ton of others but here are some for now--

"Cheeeeeesuuuu!" 1
"Cheeeeeesuuuu!" 2
Ryuichi vs. Kumagurou
Ryuichi loves Touma. <3
"Houe?"
Touma and Shuichi are best best buddies! ^,^
Gravitation Remix Doujinshi Seme Ryuichi?
Can you feel the Gravi lerve?

"I feel like I'm taking CRAZY pills!" Now that I am home from the con, I've decided to head back to Athens today with Bec and Mone to see Matt and check up on things! Bec gets off work at 3, we're leaving as soon after as we can, we'll hang out at my place in GA until Thursday morning and then heading back in time for me to be at work at 5:30. I can't wait to see Matt. I plan to drop by and surprise him once we get there. :3

My dad and I had a fight last night. I go in this Friday to have some more blood work done but somehow I came to think that I was also getting the lymph node surgery then as well, because someone at the hospital mentioned it to me. Because of this I asked for Friday-Sunday off of work to heal. My dad found out that I made this mistake and flipped out, telling me how disappointed he was in me, how I'm not taking my job seriously and am oblivious to my dire money situation-- both of which are of course untrue-- and how I need to reevaluate my priorities in general. I'm really close to my father, but sometimes when I forget to do something or make mistakes he gets really upset and overreacts like this, and it takes a lot out of me. I'm actually beginning to think this is a large reason why I'm so obssessed with perfection. I talked to him about it a little this morning, and we cleared some of it up and said we'd talk more about it sometime soon. I feel good knowing we're going to get this worked out.

I went to the arcade to play some Step Step Revolution and passed the 8-foot "In the Navy '99" Maniac with a B. Rock on, hosiers.

I bet the longer I put off talking about the con the harder it will become to do so, so I'll give it a shot right now!

Our voyage started at 6AM Friday morning, riding with Bec's friend Jaime and an idiotic wanna-be-angsty loser she knew named Michael. We were in Raleigh by 9-something, Mone met us at our room around 10:30 and by 12 we were cruising the hotel in costume. I went to the con believing that getting recognized just once would make the cosplay feel worthwhile. Imagine my surprise when by the end of the weekend I'd gotten my picture taken like 25+ times and a ton of compliments and fangirl squeals! I still can't get over it. There were two other groups of people we didn't know who were cosplaying Gravitation, which made us all feel a little very competitive-- but two friends of mine from UGA, SK and Michelle, did also, and that was (at least for me) a lot of fun! And SK gave me a Kumagurou pin and I'm going to cherish it forever. ;_; As for pictures, we should be getting ours back from Jaime tomorrow and I'll post them here.

As for the con itself, it was a lot of fun but didn't seem like anything too special. I'm not sure if it's because this was my sixth(?) convention, or because it was simply not outstanding. The AMVs totally sucked (Ah! My Goddess needs to DIIIIIE), the only thing that I jumped at in the dealer's room was the Utena movie on DVD for $20 (which is good because I had no money), the videogame room was smelly as always, and... that's about it. It was great to see Jon and SK and Michelle though, and Saturday afternoon we all went to the mall nearby to play some DDR, after which I became dehydrated to the point of nausea and was basically out of commission for the rest of the day. That was lame. But by Sunday I was hunky-dory again and we got home around 8PM or so. I really want to chop all my hair off since I can't stand to have it this long, but I think I'll have to hold out for at least another few months. It looks like we might be hitting Anime Weekend Atlanta this September to see our friends, and if that's the case we'll definitely be cosplaying again.

Well, that wasn't so hard after all.

Are you Addicted to the Internet? 42% Average@Internet-User.com (41% - 60%) You seem to have a healthy balance in your life when it comes to the internet and life away from the computer. You know enough to do what you want online without looking like an idiot (most of the time). You even have your own Yahoo club or online journal! But you enjoy seeing your friends and going out to enjoy life away from your computer. The Are you Addicted to the Internet? Quiz at Stvlive.com!

By the way, enjoy the newest single from my favorite Japanese band, The Seeker! We may or may not be karaoke-ing this at the con...

I cannot stop thinking about the convention. Becca has her vivid pink Shuichi hair done, my Ryuichi shirt is finished and looks even better than I'd hoped, and I am just so insanely, brainfartingly excited that I think I have given myself a headache from all of this agonizing anticipation.

My first night back at work was downright awesome. I got back into the groove almost immediately, and all the staff there who I worked with last summer seemed genuinely happy to have me among their ranks again. Even better is the fact that I have almost no residual pain from the sugery.

Dad told me today that the lymph node biopsy is scheduled for May 31st, so I had to put in for time off of work yet again. I feel guilty about it even though I know it's not my fault. I just want to work like a normal employee.

I'm so sick of quizzes. I wish I could stop taking them.

I start work this afternoon and am very nervous because it's been a year since I've had this job, or any job for that matter. But I'm good at it and know I'll probably fall right back into the swing of things after a couple nights. Most of all, I'm simply looking forward to earning some money because I've been spending piles of it lately and I don't have much left. I figure the con's going to set me back around $100 ($45 pass, $25 room, + gas and food and merchandise) and just thinking about that makes me shudder. On the other hand, it makes me want to work that much harder and better.

The furnace broke about a week ago and it has been absolutely freezing in the house since then, especially since I live in the basement flat of a three-story house. I'm going to take my first post-haircut shower, get dressed, and get out of the house for a while. I'd play DDR but I'm going to need all my energy tonight.

I came home from running those errands with Bec to discover my amazon.com order waiting for me on the counter, a mere two days after it was shipped and two days before it was even estimated to arrive. Talk about swift service. Using that $20 coupon I got a while back and the $40 my mom gave me for my GPA, I got the collector's edition DVD of Baraka and a Jensen personal CD/MP3 player since my other discman was stolen a couple months ago. With those discounts I only had to shell out about $20 total-- not bad at all. I had my Ryuichi haircut done today too but have a sinking suspicion it looks really bad! I'm so glad my costume, his concert outfit, turned out so well...

Let's take a break from all this cancer drama, shall we? I know I for one could use one! In the past couple days I have gotten considerably better-- the pain is still there but it isn't nearly as bad as it was, and in fact I think I'm almost back to normal. Dad and I saw Spiderman on Saturday, which is pretty good, and Bec and I saw Episode II today, which is definitely way better than Ep I but still not too fantastic a movie in any sense other than the CG. All my other time has been spent running around getting ready for the con this weekend! It's coming it's coming it's coming OH GOD I CAN'T WAIT! My Ryuichi costume is almost complete-- all I need to do is get my haircut (tomorrow) and for my stepmom to finish the shirt, and then it'll be done. I am so insanely excited I cannot express it in words. Tomorrow we have a slew of other errands to run, I get my car out of the shop, and Wednesday I start work! Four daaaays until the cooooon

There hasn't been too much for me to do these past several days except sit around my room, which hasn't been too healthy for me physically nor mentally, but I feel like I'm doing a little better. I went out with Bec and Mone last night and laughed a whole lot, something I'd been needing to do for a very long while. Tonight my dad, stepmom and I went out for dinner and rented Life As A House which, for all its value as a weepy postmodern family-system drama like an American Beauty Part 2 without all the magic, was an okay movie. (Except for the fact that the guy's son is at the beginning of the movie a raging angsty goth punk 16-year-old who's a gay prostitute, but at the end of the movie has once again embraced family values and gotten himself a little girlfriend. ^_^ No morals there.) What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah-- so I've been getting out my room and spending time with people I love, and I'm feeling better, very slowly. I still walk like a gimp, and whenever I shift my weight or pivot my leg wrong-- which is often-- it still feels like someone's jamming a knife into my upper right thigh, but it's not as bad as it was. It hurts so badly because they had to cut through some of the muscles in my leg to reach my groin from the incis-- wow, I get grossed out just from typing this. I probably need to slap a big fat "TOO MUCH INFORMATION" notice on the top of this blog nowadays, don't I.

One of Dad's co-workers and his family came by this afternoon to see me. The son gave me a copy of Lance Armstrong's book, which is about his battle with cancer and a great read as I've heard from several people, and the mother made me cookies to eat while reading them. I'd never met these people before, yet when they heard I was sick they came by to talk to me and offer their support and give me gifts. I was almost in tears. The support I've received since all of this began-- in particular from my friends, family and Matt but by this family's random act of kindness too-- has been really eye-opening for me. It's made me realize that there are a lot of people who care about me, and that's a fantastic feeling. I don't know how I can ever feel lonely again-- there are so many people who love me and so many people who I love.

We just got the results. The tumor is what they call a "mixed type," meaning it contained two different types of cancers. They said there is a 40% chance the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes. In three or four weeks they're going to do more blood tests and do a lymph node dissection. If there are no tumors in my lymph nodes, I will be put onto a system of monthly CT scans and blood tests, which would last for one year. If there are tumors in my lymph nodes, I will need two cycles of chemotherapy, and then the year of monthly tests and monitoring.

So, what it comes down to is there's a 40% chance I'm going to need chemotherapy, but we won't know anything more for a month. I just get to spend that time waiting.

I'm still alive! I can now go up and down stairs and walk more than five steps without needing to sit down because of the pain, which I take to be a very good sign. My appointment is tomorrow at 1:00 to get the results of the pathology work. As a best-case scenario the tumor didn't spread and I will only need radiation, as a safety precaution. As a worst-case scenario, the tumor has spread to my lymph nodes and/or lungs and/or other organs, requiring more surgery as well as chemotherapy and/or radiation. From what the doctor said, the former is a lot more likely, so I'm trying not to worry about it... but the fact that it's a possibility still keeps me a little anxious. I guess I'll get my answer tomorrow, either way.

Since the surgery, I've had a really hard time adjusting to the changes. The area on the lower right side of my abdomen sporting a 2.5-inch incision covered only by some kind of clear tape is not particularly lovely, as you can imagine. But beyond that, there's the fact that a chunk of my groin is suddenly no longer there. And I want it back. It's possible to get an artificial replacement-- and from what I've heard second-hand from people who've had it done, it's a much simpler process than the removal-- but I know I won't be able to get that until I'm fully healed from this surgery and all the cancer treatments are done with. That's going to be weeks or more. I hope I get used to this somehow, because as it stands I feel like a freak and it's not a great way to be.

On a much brighter note, check out the t-shirt Bec and Mone made for me featuring D.K of the Seeker, one of our favorite bands! I love it so much.

The surgery was done yesterday as planned. Matt got in around 1 or so and we just hung out until it was time to go. I went to the Outpatient Wing with Matt and Dad at 2:45 and got registered. At 3:15 or so they called me back into a prepping room and allowed Matt to come with me. I swapped my clothes for the robe, hairnet and paper shoes they gave me and for the next hour and a half or so, Matt and I basically talked as we waited. Once in a while the nurses and doctors who were going to do the operation came in to introduce themselves and tell me briefly what was going to happen-- I made it clear that in order for me to stay relaxed I needed to know exactly what was going on, and they did a good job keeping me informed. Everyone seemed really friendly and thoughtful. A little before 4:45 they put an IV into the back of my left wrist and used it to give me fluids as well as two medications to keep me from getting nauseous from the anaesthesia. A few minutes before the surgery I started growing a little nervous, and they gave me a drug of some kind through the IV to help me relax. It went exactly as they said it would-- I don't remember anything past getting wheeled out of the prep room, about 30 seconds or so after they gave me that drug, although they told me I talked with the doctor and helped get myself situated on the operating table until they gave me the other stuff to knock me out completely. I woke up very slowly in the recovery ward, and once I was moderately responsive they wheeled me into another room where my family could meet me. According to the nurses I came out of it much quicker and easier than most people they see, though I figure that has something to do with the fact that walking into the waiting room of the hospital, we almost thought we'd stumbled into a retirement home. The nurses told me everything went normally, took out the IV and let me get dressed, and then helped me to the car so we could go home. Around 6:30 or so I had a little soup for dinner and then went straight to bed, waking up every few hours to have another painkiller.

I didn't wake up until 10:30 or so this morning, and spent the entire day napping or just relaxing on the couch and watching TV. Matt just left around an hour go... He was by my side just about every single minute he was here, except for when I was in the actual surgery, and helped me with absolutely everything... He was totally and completely there for me. I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't been there. I'm so insanely grateful to have him.

As for the wound itself, it hurts like fucking hell, naturally. They didn't go in through my scrotum but actually through the right side of my abdomen, several inches above it. I have no idea why. Whenever I walk it feels like someone is trying to stab off my right leg at the hip, and it looks so strange and disgusting. They told me it should be feeling a lot better after a couple more days, though, and I go back Thursday so they can remove the clear tape on it and tell me how it's healing. We'll see how it goes.

I spent almost the entire day keeping to myself in my room, and I enjoyed the peace and quiet. I played DDR with Bec and Mone for a bit, though, since that's gonna have to be my last DDRing for a while. The surgery's tomorrow at 4:45, so I have to be at the hospital at 2:25 and can't have anything but clear liquids after 12:45. The surgery is supposed to take an hour and the recovery around an hour and a half; it's an out-patient procedure and they say the biggest problem most people have is a sore throat from the oxygen tube. And after it's done I just... come home.

I'm in NC with my family and friends, it's the beginning of the summer, I'll be starting work soon and making money, Animazement's right around the corner, I got all A's this semester, Matt's coming to visit me tomorrow, I received my first professional comission offer for a website design today. Minus the fact I have cancer, my life's really going great.

Two days until the surgery. I spent the day just hanging out with my family and Bec and Mone, playing a little DDR even though the tumor constantly aches. I'm not going to miss it when it's gone... My mom and sister had planned to come to see me tomorrow but now aren't going to, which I'm pretty sure we all think is for the best-- I'm not going to need to be worrying about keeping everyone entertained, and that's exactly what would happen. Matt is going to drive up on Monday, though, which makes me really happy. I'm glad he'll get to meet my friends and vice versa.

They posted our grades for the semester online yesterday and just checked mine. I aced all of my finals and got a 4.0.

I was diagnosed today with testicular cancer.

It still feels incredibly strange to state that. All of this actually started last Thursday: I had some pain and swelling in my right testicle, and when it continued through the weekend I began to get worried. I went to the UGA clinic on Monday to have it checked out. They suggested I see a urologist immediately yet claimed vehemently that they had "no idea" what it might indicate, which naturally seemed a little suspicious... I think most men are at least vaguely aware of the implications of a lump on their testicle. This morning I saw a urologist who did a sonogram and made the diagnosis. The tumor itself has grown to occupy about half the testicle, but the doctor says he's pretty sure we found it early. I spent the entire day with my dad driving all around the city to get different tests done. They drew blood three times at three different places for different things, did a CT scan, and did some chest x-rays to see if it's spread. On Monday I go to the hospital so they can remove the testicle and run tests. Once they get those results, and all the ones from the tests they ran today, they'll know a lot more about it, like if it's spread-- they said it spreads first into the lymph nodes or lungs. They'll also know what type of cancer it is, and then they'll be able to figure out how to treat it. There are two types of cancer, one requiring radiation and another needing chemotherapy, so depending on the nature of the tumor I'll need one or both of of those.

The doctor told me that the age range for this type of cancer is from 17-35, which is a lot younger than I thought. One out of every quarter-million men get it. And there's also a 99% rate of treatment, which means that I'm not going to die. In a month or two all of the surgeries and treatments will be over with and I'll be fine.

I'm handling this a lot better than I ever would have expected to-- I think it comes down to the fact that people who get cancer either live or die, and I know I'm going to live. When I think about it that way, all the steps I need to reach that goal don't seem so dire. It overwhelmed me once or twice as we were running around and probably will again once I'm going through treatments and surgeries, but for now I'm doing alright. I'm going to go to bed right now and I'm going to sleep great.

I have my Literature exam in a few hours, from 7-10 tonight. It's just a 3-page essay on the last book we read, and I calculated that so long as I get better than a 60 I'll make an A in the class, so I haven't even bothered to look over my notes. More important is my Human Geography exam tomorrow morning from 8-11 which I've been studying for all weekend and actually feel kind of prepared for. Please oh please oh please let me make an A--

I will be chillin' in NC in two days. n_n

Finished some art for a friend; the first thing I've done in a long while. The weather is grey and wet and cold and miserable and I'm supposed to be studying for my Human Geography test, but naturally I can't concentrate.

I don't have anything to share, really, except my playlist of the past few days:

Gun Hazard - Blue Sky ~ Blue Sky
Tsugunai - Cat Town
Tsugunai - Navi's Assistance
Tsugunai - Title Screen
FFVI - Kids Run Through the City Corner
FFVIII - Breezy
FFIX - Frontier Village Dali
Bonnie Pink - Refrain
Escaflowne - Fanelia
Cowboy Bebop - ELM