Work was relatively slow tonight, and despite the fact that I had stabbing pains in my stomach for several hours of it (I think I've become caffiene-intolerant), all the staff were in a good mood and it made the conditions more enjoyable. I found out I don't work Monday night which means I get to have a three-day stay down in Athens if I choose to, and I probably will. I plan to wake up at 7am tomorrow and be on the road by 8 in order to make it to Athens decently early. No computers, no chores, no roommate drama-- it's gonna be awesome. This weekend, like everything else, feels so full of possibilities to me now. I'll see you in a few days!

I'm exhausted but I need to write. I don't care how convoluted or hypocritical or melodramatic any of this sounds, because it's not any of those things-- it's pure, real honesty.

For the past several days I have spent hours and hours thinking. Just thinking, and realizing things. A lot of this started when I got my cancer diagnosis, but other factors from both before and after the diagnosis have given this more momentum, and now I'm speeding forward so quickly that I can't stop this (but more importantly, I don't want to). Having cancer has made me realize that I could die, something I never really stopped to consider previously. And the fact of the matter is, there was always the chance I could be diagnosed with cancer. I could be diagnosed with cancer again, too! It could happen tomorrow or next week or next month or maybe not at all, so instead I just suddenly die. Or if it's not an illness or a tumor that kills me, then it could be one of a million other things. The point is that at the drop of a hat my life could be over. But instead of fearing this-- instead of living my life as though I'm about to die-- I find myself motivated and inspired to really and trully live.

All of this has forced me to take a long look at my life as it is. Anime, videogames, DDR, yaoi, AOL, some music, some clothes-- good god, is that my life? It's not good enough. If this is life then I might as well be dead, because none of these things mean anything.

Much of my life, as I have constructed it up to this very second, is completely and utterly worthless. Much of my life is frivolous filler that I've used to simply occupy my waking hours and keep my brain disengaged. And the truth is, of course, that this process has gone on for days and weeks and months and years. I knew this and ignored it because I didn't know anything else, but I just can't ignore it anymore. I understand now that time is too valuable to be wasted and life is too short to be squandered.

My views of my world and myself and my life have been permanently destroyed, which means right now, I have nothing left. I don't know exactly what views will come to take their place, and that really scares me, but I'm confident that in time they will indeed be replaced with better things. My old reality feels as foreign to me as a skin that I've shed, or better yet a dream-- if it's a dream, then I feel like I've finally woken up. It's both exciting and terrifying, because I don't know anything but that dream and I never have. I've woken up into a reality I don't know, and I'm alone in it, and I have no choice but to figure it out. I don't even know how or where to start. All I know is I have to try, because if I ever stop trying then I'll go back to sleep. Now that I have woken up and realized there's so much more out there-- even if I don't even know what yet-- I think that if I ever go back to sleep, my soul will die, and I'll die with it. I can't go back to my old life and what's more, I don't want to.

So now I am picking through the rubble of my old life for the pieces worth keeping. I figured out that these are the things in my old life that I don't just enjoy, but that really make me feel alive. These are the things that genuinely matter. I made a list of them: the people I love and who love me; writing; creating art. Unsurprisingly, it's a short list, which means I'm going to have to try many more things, do many more things, be many more things, to discover what else I enjoy and am passionate about and consider things possible to shape a meaningful life out of. It's a daunting challenge but I'm looking forward to it. I know I can do it and I don't have a choice anyway-- I can live awake or die asleep. The choice is so simple.

Besides this process, I've made some other decisions. For one, I have only seen a tiny, tiny portion of the world and I want and need to see more. (Seeing the film Baraka months ago is largely responcible for opening my eyes to this fact and for changing my view of the world forever. I think everyone should see it if they can.) I'm going to spend one or several of my remaining semesters of college studying abroad. This has a dual purpose-- I'll be able to experience new situations and cultures and will also be able to get out of America, which as of late I've been seeing more and more as a rushed, materialistic, soul-smothering place. This isn't to say that anywhere else I go will necessarily be better, of course, but it will at least be different, and something I can possibly learn from. I've talked about studying abroad with my parents before and know that it's an option. I wasn't really serious about it then, but I am now. The only thing that would stop me from doing it would be being so far away from Matt for so long, but I know we could get through it if I did it. We've been through worse.

Another thing I've decided, or I guess realized, is that all of the restrictions I placed on myself before no longer feel valid to me. For various reasons I refused to ever drink alcohol, do drugs, eat seafood, drink coffee-- there are probably tons more that I haven't consciously thought of yet. By keeping these restrictions on myself I came to develop pride in them, but now that pride feels completely arbitrary and pointless to me. I was depriving myself of things I didn't even fully understand because I hadn't done them. Now those restrictions are no longer there and I feel free to experience anything and everything, be it good or bad. At some point, just to experience them and decide what I really think about them, I'm going to get drunk, I'm going to drink a mug of coffee, I'm going to try sushi, I'm going to get high. Whether I love them or hate them I'll at least be able to learn from them, even if it's just what it feels like to get a hangover or what seafood tastes like. (I think the only thing I never want to try is smoking, simply because I don't see how I could stand to gain anything from it that makes it worth all the risks.) I'm going to go bungee-jumping and dye my hair and skinnydip, too. There's a million things I haven't done. I want to try them all, and now that I'm completely freed from my own restrictions, I can and I will.

There's probably more I've been thinking about that I could say, but I've been typing for two hours and should probably get to bed anyway, so I guess I'll pause here for now. I'm interested to know if any of this makes sense to anyone besides me. I also wonder what other people think of this, because other viewpoints might help me to figure all this out. So whether or not I know you, feel free to email me.

Here's to living life awake.

Bec, Monica and I saw Lilo and Stitch last night and I was dully impressed. The Emporer's New Groove, Monsters Inc., and now Lilo and Stitch-- I don't know what's gotten into Disney, but there's on a major upswing. Not only was the animation great (they finally went back to watercolor backgrounds!), but I was proud of myself for catching the Picasso influence on the body structures just from seeing the movie posters and having it confirmed by a joke in the movie. All my semesters of art history are being put to great use!

The weekend feels so far away. I have Saturday and Sunday off this week (Monday too if I'm lucky), which means I'm going to wake up at the crack of dawn Saturday, drive down to Athens and barnacle myself to Matt for the weekend. He said Pridefest is this weekend in Atlanta also, so we might go to that, but it really doesn't matter to me. We could sit all weekend and weave fishing nets for all I care; so long as I'm with him I'll be happy.

I was talking with my uncle yesterday and at some point in the conversation, I don't even remember what inspired him to share it, he told me he thinks I'm "innocent yet knowing." I wasn't sure what this means so I just thanked him. (This wasn't even coming from my artist uncle, it was the other, normaler one. I'm really starting to suspect that my entire extended family thinks I am a complete freak of nature.)

Because there are so many idiots and/or sheer assholes who come to eat at the restaurant, I have started to wonder if people just don't know proper restaurant etiquette. And so, from someone with five years experience watching people be rude in restaurants, here is a handy guide-list for everyone who is reading this:
1) Look at your server when they're talking to you and thank them when they do things for you. In other words, treat them like a human being.
2) When you're finished with your meal, cross your fork and knife diagonally across the front your plate. This is actually an international symbol of being finished eating. (If you really want to help them you can pile any silverware and side plates on your entree plate to make it easier for them to clear the table, but this looks a little tacky and most of the people who I see do this are skinheads or have mullets.)
3) Find out what time the restaurant closes and DON'T GO TO EAT THERE RIGHT BEFORE IT DOES. I don't think a lot of people realize that after closing, if it's getting slow, they could very easily be the only thing keeping their server from being able to go home.
4) For crying out loud, tip your server 20% unless their service was truly terrible. It really doesn't cost you much more, and they might be living off that money.
5) Don't eat at restaurants anyway. They're incredibly filthy places.

I just had my second therapy appointment and I have a lot to think about! That is not an exclaimation mark for excitement so much as overwelm... ment? Overwhelmedness? ... ... Anyway, generally my thinking about things entails me sorting my thoughts out by writing them-- either in my journal or this blog-- but this time, not surprisingly, it's not going to be so quick or easy. Anything I figure out, though, I'll try to post here. (Aaron Note: Next appointment July 9th @ 12pm)

PS-- Dad just hadn't found the emergency brake release last night. Once he did this morning, releasing the emergency brake was considerably easier.

This just in-- My dad drove my car up the driveway to get some stuff out of the trunk, and now he can't get the emergency brake to disengage. This means both his and my stepmom's cars are blocked in, and since it's dark he can't look and see what's wrong with and/or fix it until the morning. The irony of this is pretty sickening.

Tonight after work I locked myself out of my car with the lights on and engine running. Luckily they came in only 20 minutes and AAA foot the bill, otherwise I would still be as sick with fury as I was when it happened.

But goddammit, reduced-fat Oreos and rice milk just can't compare to the real thing!

I promised I'd talk more today so I'll give it a shot. I had orthoscopic surgery on the lymph nodes in my abdomen the Wednesday before last (the 12th), spent the night in the hospital, and was released the next afternoon. The doctor told me before the surgery he intended to make three incisions, but he ended up making five: one through my navel, one a couple inches below it, one just above it, and one on either side of the latter. This surgery was to determine if the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, in which case I would need two cycles of chemotherapy. They gave us the results of the test last Monday (the 17th), a fact I did not mention to anyone because I didn't want to have to discuss the results-- of the 49 lymph nodes they removed and/or checked, 2 of them had cancer. From the day after the surgery through much of this past week, I basically didn't leave my room, kept myself heavily medicated to battle the pain from the surgery, slept a lot, didn't see any of my friends, and spent a lot of time trying not to think about going into chemo. The past couple days, though, I've been feeling a lot better, hanging out with Bec and even playing some DDR, although my strength and stamina are both still pretty bad.

Friday night, however, my dad told me he'd been called by the doctor with some news: the doctor had presented my case to a board of cancer specialists and they recommended that I do not have chemotherapy. They said there is a 70% chance I am fully cured, and I should have the chemo only if another tumor develops at some point. Every month for the next two years I will have chest x-rays and blood tests done, and then once every several months for several years after that. Basically, this means that my surgeries and treatments are over and I probably don't have cancer anymore.

I'm still trying to sort out how I feel about all this. It's kind of a bittersweet victory: my treatment is done but there's a chance that's only temporary. I was preparing myself for chemo, the last treatment I would ever need, and then suddenly they told me I was finished and good to go. I guess my problem is that I don't have any real sense of closure. ... Ironically, my dad just came down to say goodnight to me and we ended up talking about this. When I was trying to explain to him how I feel now, I made a decent metaphor: Imagine you're in prison with another couple months left on your term. One day, they throw open the door to your cell and tell you you're free to leave-- but that for the rest of your life, there's a chance the police might show up without warning and take you back to jail. This is more or less the situation I am in right now.

And on a completely different note, I've been going to therapy and am trying to deal with some other issues right now also, but I feel explained-out so I'll save it for tomorrow.

I have been trying all day to think of a good adjective to describe the last week and a half, other than too-bland words like "exhausting" and "emotional" and "important," but since I can't come up with any but those three I guess they'll have to do for now. I promise to explain more tomorrow, but for now I'll say that things as a whole are looking up. And Charlie is back in America! I am going to bed feeling very happy.

Issei Ogi Sai: OMG I'm going to hit enter and be forced to see the single most disgusting away message I have yet to witness on AOL never
Auto response from Heavens Kitchen: changing my bandages
Issei Ogi Sai: EVER
Issei Ogi Sai: fuck I ruined it

Oh my fucking god. This must be what Hell feels like.

;_; Manna is so mean to poor non-terrorist me! Just look!

I got home from the hospital this afternoon and am recovering-- much slower than I'd like, but I'm recovering nevertheless. I'll post more about it later.

I am in a good mood and am off to bed now, in order to be at the hospital at 7:15 tomorrow morning. I'll be back in a couple days. ^_^

Tonight was the fourth night in a row I've worked, which is good because I need the money but bad because I want a day off and won't have one until Wednesday. They had a Tekken 4 tournament at the mall today which I'd been looking forward to for over a month. Of course, I couldn't enter because I had to work. The highlight of the night was my getting olive oil on my hands, walking to the bathroom to wash it off, losing my grip on the doorknob and slamming face-first into the door. Kind of funny now, but it sure wasn't then.

Right after we scheduled the upcoming surgery my parents encouraged me to go on a macrobiotic diet. But I can't do it anymore. I had some ice cream from Dairy Queen today which made me feel both wonderful yet guilty. I've lost four pounds, I'm always tired and sore, my mood is terrible and all I can think about is all the different types of food I want but can't have. What the hell is the point of this? People call this healthy? If this is all intended to make me weak and miserable in time to go into surgery Wednesday, it's succeeding wonderfully. I am dropping this idiotic diet as of tomorrow.

I have to get up at 8 for a pre-op interview at the hospital, so I guess I'll go to bed.

Yesterday was even more insane as it was planned to be. We got a late start and were 15 minutes late to interview the guy, Dan, but Stephen showed him around so by the time we arrived there wasn't much else to do. He said he was sold on it! He filled out an application and we're waiting to receive his deposit. I'm so relieved to have my roommate situation taken care of for over a year (he's gonna stay from August to August). We got home a little late and I just barely made it to work on time, but it was actually a decent night and I bet I made some good money. It would've been a much nicer trip if I had gotten to see Matt, but hopefully after the surgery I'll be able to drive down again.

Monica got a job at the arcade and we heard there are several other openings, so Bec and I went today to apply. It'd be so sweet if I could pick up an easy second day job...

And for the love of god and all that is holy, never eat a pile of dried apricots right before going into your job. I refuse to explain further.

I'm sick of my job. I used to like it a lot whenever my piles of tip money were handed to me, but now not even that is helping fully. I'm just sick of taking other people's shit and being totally taken advantage of.

With that said, I'm going back to Athens with my Dad tomorrow to show two potential roommates the place for when Stephen moves out in August. We're leaving there at 9, getting in at 12, showing them the place from 12-1 or so, leaving to come back at 1:30, getting back at 4:30, and then I work from 5:30-10:30 or so. Hopefully I'll get to see Matt for lunch or something...

And most of this seems true, is the eerie thing.

I Am A: True Neutral Gnome Bard Thief

Alignment:
True Neutral characters are very rare. They believe that balance is the most important thing, and will not side with any other force. They will do whatever is necessary to preserve that balance, even if it means switching allegiances suddenly.

Race:
Gnomes are also short, like dwarves, but much skinnier. They have no beards, and are very inclined towards technology, although they have been known to dabble in magic, too. They tend to be fun-loving and fond of jokes and humor. Some gnomes live underground, and some live in cities and villages. They are very tolerant of other races, and are generally well-liked, though occasionally considered frivolous.

Primary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.

Secondary Class:
Thieves are the most roguish of the classes. They are sneaky and nimble-fingered, and have skills with traps and locks. While not all use these skills for burglary, that is a common occupation of this class.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?

I tried sleeping for an hour but gave up. I'm too excited about seeing Bec and Monica tomorrow (they were delayed a day), I'm too scared and pissed off about the sugery and I want to exhaust myself with some DDR but that isn't an option.

23

I act like I'm 23.
Take the test here.

Current Bank Account Statement: $37.41
Current Things I Need to Buy/Pay For: web hosting bill ($9.95); facewash ($23), phone bill ($29.43), gas ($14)
siiiiiiiiiiigh @_@


What type of Bishounen are you?


Which Street Fighter are you?

More con pics, because I don't feel like thinking about cancer anymore at the moment--

More Ryuichi
Gravitation Remix Touma and--
--Gravitation Remix Shuichi!
Ryuichi: "Is this a new game no da?" :D

I have something to offer now-- my dad just talked to the doctors about the upcoming surgery and then to me. All my relief over not needing chemo was premature; the results of the lymph node biopsy (this Wednesday at 9:15am) will determine whether or not I'll need it. They say there is a 40% chance I will, like they said before. If that's the case I'll need two cycles of it, which are relatively rapid but have side effects due to the high level of toxicity, including hair loss and short-term kidney damage. The lymph node surgery itself is orthoscopic but "extensive." They say I'll be in the hospital definitely for one night and possibly two, will be "relatively uncomfortable," and will have to miss a week and a half of work. They said there is also a 5% chance that they could damage a certain nerve which would leave me permanently unable to orgasm.

Fun stuff, this cancer business.

I have nothing right now to offer except my playlist:

Dirty Vegas - Days go by
DJ Shadow - Fixed Income
Access - Grand Muse
Access - Jewelry Angel 2002 -Platonic Eye-
Access - Shake the Sunrise
Atomic Kitten - Right Now (Radio Mix)
Eminem - Without Me (Radio Edit)
Iceman - Genetic Bomb
Iceman - Neo Age
PitaTen OP - Wake up Angel
Sakamoto Maaya - Birds
Sakamoto Maaya - Blind Summer Fish
Sakamoto Maaya - Inori
Sakamoto Maaya - Koucha
Sakamoto Maaya - Migi Hoppe No Nikibi
Sakamoto Maaya - Strobo no Sora
The Seeker - Gather Roses

God, I can't wait to see Becca and Monica again. ._.

I woke up at 7:40 after the most fantastic dream. Bec, Mone and I were at a convention that looked like Animazement but was in Japan at first, because we were practically the only non-Asian people there, but half-way through is back at the real Animazement. We were wandering the halls when suddenly we hear a bunch of fangirls start squealing ahead of us, and when we pass a couple more people we suddenly see K.Ito (on the left) and a darkly-tanned D.K of The Seeker (on the right) there with a little suitcase in hand and a dark shirt, long fluffy black and white skirt and sunglasses on, like he was on vacation or something! (And naturally Bec, Mone and I start to squeal shrilly like high-school fangirls ourselves.) D.K made little joking mock-squeals of his own and at this point we're all pretty much ready to die happily. Then he started running down the hall with K.Ito and all the 20 or so fangirls and we started running after him. D.K went into the gaming room, which none of us could fit into for some reason, and just when we think he's gone we hear him start to croon a ballad. All the guys in the gaming room get up and run out the door in disgust and all of us fans run in to take their place and sit down wherever we can because it looks like D.K is going to tell us something. Bec, Mone and I are in the back, but it doesn't matter because we can still see D.K perfectly in the little room, and K.Ito with him, who just seems to be kind of puttering around. At this point we're all miraculously quiet and attentive and D.K starts to talk in English (Bec and I trade looks as we immediately start to wonder about the potential for an English The Seeker CD), referring to K.Ito as his boyfriend (more looks traded) and starting to explain some sort of stomach problem that everyone else there seemed to already know about, which I assume was something that kept them from a concert. He also mentions a couple upcoming tourdates and that their next single is due out soon. K.Ito-- who'd ended up carrying D.K's bag-- opens it up and starts pulling out a few pieces of equipment and it looks like The Seeker are going to have an impromptu acoustic concert! All we fans burst into half-crazed squeals again and around here, I woke up. ;-; God, what a great dream.

Just when you thought it was safe:

Hallefuckinluyah. We called the doctor this afternoon to get the results of my blood test. It needed to be 6 or below and it's 3.8! (It was over 20 before the sugery.) This means after the lymph node surgery I won't need chemotherapy. I am very very very relieved. I also got my haircut (as you can see below) and in a little while I leave for work to make some moolah.

Around 2 o'clock I got to the mall and strolled into the barber shop place to get my haircut.

^_^ "Hi, I need a trim? Or I guess a cut--"
^_^ "Sure thing!"
^_^ "Awesome."
^_^ "The list says the next open time we have iiiis... 4 o'clock."
o_o "4 o'clock?"
^_^ "Yeah."
;_; "As in the in-two-hours-from-now 4 o'clock?"
^_^ "Yeah."
._. "k thx bye"

So I consoled myself with a couple games of Step Step Revolution and was very happy to discover I can pass most 7-foot maniacs, although now I'm sweaty and tired and still have long hair, which is also sweaty and tired. On the way home I dropped by work to check my schedule, though, and I work Mon., Weds., Fri. and Sat. this week which means $5.00 x ~4 hours x 4 nights + tips = I'll be able to pay my overdue mortgage! Wheeeee! Tomorrow I will deposit my $32.65 of change in the bank, get my haircut and go to work!

Yesterday: hooked up the DVD player to watch the Utena movie, sorted out $32.65 from my loose change jar, downloaded a bunch of Sakamoto Maaya, talked to Devan-bon on the phone.

Today: drive by work to see my schedule for this week and pick up my paycheck, watch The Spirits Within, go to the mall for some applications, get my hair chopped off, revel in the fact I got my hair chopped off, edit some fics with Devan.

Your days don't sound boring when you catalogue their every event.

My dad, stepmom and I went to an auction tonight. I'd never been to one before and I got a little restless after four hours of sitting, but it was still fun. It was an estate auction held in some dusty, run-down warehouse they use for them, and I was surprised at how many people showed up. There was a ton of art, furniture and about a million other things, some of it pretty and/or useful but most of it junk. My parents spent about a thousand bucks on various things, including an awesome antique rocking chair and two small signed prints by Dali! I'd never seen the images before and they're gorgeous. At the same time, it boggles my mind-- admittedly this is probably in part because I'm so dead broke-- that people will flock to these things and spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on someone else's old crap that they don't even need. In the grand scheme of things, a view I've found myself taking more often lately, it seems kind of wasteful and silly. But then, if I had that much money to blow, what would I spend it on? Clothes? Videogames?

Bec and Mone have gone to the beach until the 5th, my parents are going out of town until Sunday, and I'm too broke to see movies, buy anything or play DDR. It's going to be a very quiet, lonely weekend.