Happy Saturday! I'm languishing at the moment, so don't mind me. Matt and I hung out last night, but since we both had tiring weeks, we just went out for Chinese and rented Onimusha 2 for his PS2. I promised a lot of people I'd hang out with them this weekend but right now I'd really like to just put on my SMF robe, eat the unhealthiest cookies I can find, and watch movies like Glitter and Monsters Inc. all afternoon. Guess I'll decide my fate during a shower.

My boredom doodle has infested lerve.com, check it out. The rain has picked up again so I'm going to get my Lit reading done for tomorrow and then go to bed early. I feel like such an old person, hopping in bed before 11pm...

The rain finally stopped today-- after, what, three days? four?-- and my Geography test is over and done with. I have 4 pieces done for the drawing critique tomorrow, which basically means that for the first time all week I have some time to myself. I feel incredibly peaceful. I think I am going to go wander around the grocery store for a bit, and then maybe take a nice... long... nap. Too bad it stopped raining.

A boredom doodle:

I don't have the time or mental capacity for a really coherent so you'll just have to bear with me! The graphic design portfolio results came back and I wasn't one of the lucky 12 who made it in, but that's okay. I tried hard but really couldn't do my best since I was sick/injured, so maybe next semester. I started my job tonight and I love it. The only problem I have is trying not to be laughing all the time because of my co-workers, and that's not a bad problem at all! The job's awesome, everyone who works there's awesome... yeah, I'm gonna dig it. Today is the only day I have not had anything big due or occuring all week. Monday was the folio review deadline, yesterday was my art hist exam (I did alright), tomorrow is my Geography exam, Friday is a critique in Drawing and next Monday is an exam in Lit. I can't remember the last time I had this many deadlines dumped on me in a row, but I'm getting through them alright. Today before work I checked out a few books on Buddhism from the campus library and after work I went over to Matt's to say hi and now I need to study study study!

Why is it raining?

My goodness. So far, the day has proceeded as follows:

8:00am - wake up
8:30 - catch city bus to campus
9:05-9:55 - Keats discussion in Lit class
10:20 - catch city bus home
10:50 - start work on the assigned drawing for the portfolio review
2:00pm - drive to Michael's for spray-fix
2:20 - finally find spray-fix
2:50 - spray-fix drawings in the Tanner Building parking lot
2:55 - turn portfolio in at Tanner Building before 3pm deadline
3:15 - return home, jump in shower
3:40 - leave for job interview
4:05 - arrive late from traffic and race inside for interview
4:45 - fill out paper work and shake hands
5:00 - drive to campus for dinner
5:25 - return home

--and that brings us to now. You are reading the blog of a tired, but employed!, man. What's that you say? An art hist exam tomorrow morning I haven't had a chance to study for until now? Bring it on.

I'm feeling a little better and I actually managed to get some work done today, so it's looking like I might not be going down in a miserable spiral of flaming failure this week after all. Tomorrow I have my job interview at 4. Ah will kick ace!

I went to Matt's to study and ended up sleeping through the entire afternoon on his couch. I'm thinking I picked up some kind of bug when I was in the clinic, but I feel better when I sleep, so I think I'm going to go do even more of that right now. As it stands it looks like I have little to no chance of getting the graphic design portfolio ready for Monday. It's only my dream major; what's another semester of waiting, right?

Something that's been troubling me since Thursday is that when they took the xrays, I found out that two "clips" were put in my abdomen after the last surgery. The technician had already sent the xrays off when she mentioned them so I didn't get a chance to see them myself-- but maybe that's a good thing. Now I can't stop thinking about what exactly a "clip" is, and what they're made of, and where they were placed, and if there's a chance that they could suddenly come loose inside my torso and seriously fuck up my internal organs or send me into more seizures of pain or something. I think I'm gonna call the clinic on Monday and ask about it. Good god, I have foreign things embedded in me!

Not a good morning. I got about 12 hours of sleep but I'm still running a fever off and on and I ache all over. I have a big test on Tuesday, another big test on Thursday, and the graphic design folio is due on Monday. I need to study but I can't focus and that's just making it worse. What can I do? What am I supposed to do like this?

This afternoon I was feeling pretty good so I went out and ran errands for a couple hours, and... came home with a migraine and a mild fever and promptly crashed for a good two hours oh my bed amidst the piles of books and notes I need to be studying for my exams this week. I guess it was too much too soon. Right now I'm curled up in the huge robe that Stephen gave me before he moved out (the lapel is embroidered "SMF" for "sexy motherfucker") and listening to the Final Fantasy piano collections and waiting for the hydrocodone to start kicking in and giving me that warm unfocused-eyes feeling. Even though I didn't feel great I went out with Matt and a bunch of other guys he knows from work. We had dinner at a nice restaurant and then saw a play called "The Effects of Gamma-Rays on Man on the Moon Magnolias." This play won a Pulitzer Prize in 1971, and I'm amazed by that because it was far and away the most boring, forgettable play I've ever seen. You got your loud, drunk, feels-like-life-passed-her-by mother who bosses her two girls around, the-smart-and-tragically-sensitive one and the loud-and-mean-yet-somehow-still-tragic-too one, and you got some tragically bad family dynamics and then oh no, the mother kills the girls' pet rabbit after a ton of foreshadowing and the play ends with her wailing tragically, "I hate the world." I tried really hard to like it, too, but it just... Is "I hate the world" supposed to yank on my heartstrings? That's an emo catchphrase, not Pulitzer material. "GOD i hate the world lolol ;-;"

Ooh. Time for bed.

I got about 12 hours of sleep last night and I'm feeling remarkably better today. As much as I like them both, I've decided I'm going to drop Tai Chi and belly dance for the rest of the semester just to be safe. On the good side, though, this will make it a lot easier for me to handle that three-night-a-week job. I have an interview with them on Monday and I am very excited. If I manage my time well I can probably work more than three nights and still have plenty of time for homework and friends and relaxing, or maybe even find another (less physical) club to join. Wish me luck!

Here's why I spent the entire day in the health center, stuck with an IV and doped up on morphine:

Around 11 last night I started getting that pain in my groin again. Since I assumed it was another pulled muscle I just took some Advil and went to bed. As the night progressed the pain got much worse, and since no other painkillers I had did anything to it I spent most of the night just rolling around in bed trying and failing to sleep. This morning it hurt so badly that I was actually nauseous from it. I nevertheless decided to try to go to campus, but I was only able to sit through about ten minutes of my first class before I gave up and went to the health center. Due to everything that'd happened over the summer, they took x-rays, did urine tests, drew blood (which made me even more nauseous), and then decided to hook me up to an IV-- at which point I was in such agony and so exhausted, queasy and scared that I started sobbing uncontrollably. Finally they got me something for the pain. First they tried a shot of something whose name I don't remember and which did nothing at all, so they gave me two shots of morphine, which didn't work completely but helped enough. The doctors and I talked about everything. They weren't entirely sure, but they said judging from the symptoms it seems that I stretched or tore some of the scar tissue in my intestines yesterday (I had both Modern Dance and Tai Chi). That was around 1pm or so; I slept until 5 and then got a ride home from Matt.

They've given me hydrocodone for the pain and said I should take it easy for the next few days, and that I should be able to do everything again just fine after that. But now, of course, I'm incredibly paranoid because I sure as fuck don't want to go through this again. I'm wondering if I should drop belly dancing or Tai Chi or both, at least for this semester. I have no idea what to do.

And suddenly, coming home tired but content from tai chi means that the week is already half over. Time seems to be skipping along twice as fast as it did last semester. My friend Lauren told me the on-campus agency she's working for has a couple positions open. The good news is that it sounds pretty fun, laid back and low-responcibility (hooray!) for $6/hour-- the problem is that I'd have to work a minimum of 12 hours a week. Since it's a univrersity job and I have a great record, I am very confident they'd hire me even if Lauren wasn't going to put in a good word for me to boot. What it comes down to is, can I manage 15 hours of classes + a 12-hour-a-week job + 3 clubs + a serious relationship + lots of friends + preferrably a sliver of free time and a chance to do homework once in a while? I honestly don't know the answer, but I figure I have nothing to lose by trying. If things start getting out of hand I can always quit the job or drop a club. Making $72/week, though, would really help me out right now. I'm giving the manager a call tomorrow and we'll see how it goes.

Alright, after this I'm done for a while. It's Sara Kate's fault, I swear!

Quiz created by Polly Snodgrass.

FIRE OF WATER. You are tolerant toward others and are good at easing tension. You make others feel calm and understood. You are patient in even difficult situations or with difficult people. You would make a good therapist or healer. Because of your accepting nature, you are able to have friends from all walks of life. People seek you out for advice because you always know what to do/say for the betterment of everyone involved.

I am 30% Tortured Artist

I have some artistic ability, but it is probably a hobby and doesn't drive my life into a dark abysmal hole were I am alone and against the world.
Take the Tortured Artist Test at fuali.com

I taste like Bread. I am a staple in almost everyone's diet. Friends like me are a complement to any other friends I get on with almost everyone, remaining mostly in the background, but providing substance when it would otherwise be lacking. What Flavour Are You?

What Lunch Meat Are You?

One last test for the road:

According to the SelectSmart.com Belief System Selector, my #1 belief match is Theravada Buddhism. What do you believe? Visit SelectSmart.com/RELIGION

It was a 100% match; the second-best match was only 83%. I really need to research this.

Finally got around to adding a commenting system, as you can see. Now I'll quit stalling and get some homework done.

I think just about everyone I know who has a journal has already taken this so here you go!

Which Princess Bride Character are You?
this quiz was made by mysti

I'm just watching a bad dream I'd never wake up from.
Find out what anime bad boy you are.


What Was Your Past Life?


what movie symbolism are you? find out!




You are a muse.
What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox


What Goth Are You?


Take the Anime soundtrack Quiz

Last night Matt and I went to art exhibit openings in two different galleries; one of them was about the Japanese influence on European art in the late 17th/early 18th century and had some cool prints by Whistler and Cassatt. Today I set out to clean my bedroom and bathroom from top to bottom and I did just that. And when I say clean, I mean clean via bleach, scouring brushes, a ruthless vacuum cleaner... the whole works. I am thrilled to be living in sanitary conditions again. Meanwhile, hurricane Hanna touched down on the Mississippi/Alabama border this morning, and by the early afternoon we were getting pounded by rain. I took a picture of it at its worst because I always thought sheets of rain were pretty. I also photographed one of the measley two drawings I've done for my drawing class this semester, a self portrait (surprise). Tomorrow I hope to get my portfolio online again, and I'm also really getting in the mood to make a little site for sharing and trading mp3s. We'll see.

Oh no! My AUCTIONS are ending soon and you haven't bid yet! Hurry hurry!

"The position you were applying for has been filled, I believe, but if something else opens up in the next couple weeks we'll give you a call."

Great; sounds fantastic. Fuck you very much.

Our drawing class was supposed to have a critique today at 1:30; my only other class was done at 10:00, so I had to hang around campus until the crit time rolled around. After 20 minutes of sitting there sans professor someone finally ventured to the main office and asked about him. Turns out he was out sick today but didn't think to tell anyone to let us know.

But it happens, right? I'm really not as upset as I probably sound. And tonight will be definitely a lot better than today.

September 11th has found a cushy spot on America's cultural couch between OJ Simpson and Princess Di, and it appears that everyone is perfectly content with this. We find a tragedy, we latch onto it, we suck it dry of all meaning, and then we put it aside as soon as the next one comes along, pausing once in a while to remember it and then pat ourselves on the back for doing so. Ask yourself: was September 11th still on your mind at all during the recent rash of child abductions?

September 11th is no longer a tragedy. It's a trading card.

Not a good day. Not at all.

I cleaned off my digicam memory and found a pic of Joan, the kitten my first roommate had who was basically a sassy black hole of fluff with two huge green eyes. He took her when I evicted him and I wonder how she's doing.

Taking Manna's lead I've uploaded some music I'm digging, more specifically the song I've had on repeat for the last couple days: "Blue" by a group/band/whatever named Heart of Air. They did all the vocal songs for Zone of the Enders, if you've ever played that PS2 game. This is a good late-at-night song.

Finished The Hobbit yesterday; reading Fight Club today.

I called and got the results of my tests-- the protein marker in my blood has actually gone down a good deal, from 2.8 last month to 1.7 now (the benchmark is 6). I'm thrilled, as you can imagine. One reason I was so preoccupied with this was that I'd had some pain in my groin (what's left of it) before I went to get the tests done, so that had been lurking in the back of my mind until I got the results. I didn't want to mention it earlier in case it turned out to be nothing, which it clearly did.

Tonight the professors of the Graphic Design department held a meeting discussing the requirements for the upcoming portfolio review which serves as the entrance exam into the department. The Graphic Design department focuses on things like typography, magazine layouts, illustration and other stuff that is right up my design-loving alley, which is why I really want to switch into it. They hold the folio review once a semester and accept 12 new students each time; about 60 or so showed up to the meeting tonight. But that's okay. I'm just going to submit my best stuff and see what happens, because that's all I can do. Of the three seniors in the department who were on hand to talk about their experiences in it, none of them said they were accepted on the first try. In any case, the review is on the 23rd (two weeks from today) and the results will be posted on the 25th, so we'll see what happens!

Oh yeah, I put up some more #@$*^~ AUCTIONS ~^*$@# today, too! Isn't that something?

Anime and videogame auctions just for you!

Oh yeah-- my test results were faxed back to Asheville this morning but the nurse of my doctor was "too busy" to look them over today, so she said I'm going to have to wait until Monday to know. After very calmly and politely pointing out what an inconsiderate thing this was for her to do and how important it is to me, though, I don't think she'll make me wait over a weekend again. Can you blame me?

My classload today consisted of only my 50-minute English Lit, which was a great way to start the weekend. But we've been having problems with some of the electrical outlets in the house so I had to call an electrician to come in and fix it (we had a bad GFI breaker), and it set the landlord back $147. I wouldn't be bothered by this if it weren't for the fact that since I own this property, I'm the landlord. Ha ha. Now I still can't help wondering, how important is it really to have every outlet in the house functioning?

Matt and I rented a Japanese movie called Gohatto (Taboo), which is sort of a gay love drama/murder mystery within the Shinsen Gumi in 1865. I'm too tired right now to do it justice but it was a very good movie. And we found it in Blockbuster of all places. Who'dve guessed?

My friend Kelvin is friends with the woman who owns a Japanese steakhouse near here, and yesterday he found out they're looking for a new server and put in a good word for me. I cleaned myelf up, got on my fancy duds and hopped down there today to talk to her and submit an application. Everything went very well, until when I was about to leave and she said "I'll be honest with you-- right now we're looking for a girl, but call back in a few days to see what's going on with the position." I was in the car before it occured to me that that's against the Equal Opportunity act. Isn't this something people take legal action over? I don't want to take legal action though, I just want a frickin job!

I stayed there longer than I meant to and showed up five minutes late to Tai Chi and still needed to change clothes, so I ended up just skipping it. What a crummy evening.

I've been spending the last couple days thinking a lot about my future plans, mostly because of and to do with the cancer. There is still a chance, a 30% chance, that I will get another tumor and have to undergo chemotherapy. I could find this out tomorrow, when the results of my latest tests come back, or I could find it out (hopefully) never. If it happens, though, what then? I'll have to drop out of school for the semester without a doubt, so I'm not bothering to think about that. I would almost definitely have to return to Asheville for treatment because they have an amazing group of hospitals and cancer specialists there (apply Signs logic here if you feel the need), and I'd have a lot of my family around me, and I'd be back in the mountains... but Matt lives here, and I was miserable without him all summer and I know I would be even moreso post-therapy. And after the treatment's over and I'm back in decent health-- or as decent health as I ever manage to be in these days, which honestly isn't particularly decent at all-- what would I do? Get a job for the rest of the semester and then take summer classes, or work through the summer and go back to classes in the spring, or maybe take of a semester or two to work or travel or relax? Every option sounds just as feasible and I like them all equally, which is why I can't pick one. I think even though I'm still cancer-free I would feel a little more at ease if I had an established plan of how I'd spend the year or so following another diagnosis, even if that plan was still a little tentative. I would much, much rather face the chance of unpleasant situations head-on than try to ignore it like some vast looming shadow.

The thought has also crossed my mind that maybe my real problem is I just think too much. I wish I believed in god, because it'd be nice to have someone to pray to.

Got a lot of little things done today and that's always a nice feeling. With the outside order from my Asheville doctor in hand, I also went to the Health Center to set up my monthly check ups and to have this month's tests done. I was a little worried that they wouldn't be able to do the tests I need but, it turns out they can and everything went incredibly smoothly. In a couple days I need to call both my doctor in NC and the doctor who's going to oversee my tests here, just to be sure they're on the same page, but for the most part it looks like everything's in place. I'm kinda proud of myself for managing all of this without help. The Health Center here is a very nice, clean, huge, orderly facility and the staff are always helpful and amiable; it doesn't even bother me much that they wince in sympathy whenever they read my file and see that I had cancer. You know, according to Signs logic, it would seem that I was drawn to the University of Georgia over three years ago not because of the warm weather and excellent art department, but because when I would be diagnosed with cancer before my junior year, it would have perhaps one of the few health centers of all the universities I looked at capable of performing the monthly tests I'd need.

Pretty stupid, isn't it. Man, that movie irritated me.

An interesting thing happened in the dining hall at lunch now that I think about it. It was crowded and I only had ten minutes to eat before my bus home arrived, so I got some food and sat down with a girl I didn't know. As I scarfed down my food she felt the need to force some polite conversation-- "where're you from," "what year are you," "what's your major," etc. etc. etc. When I said I was a studio art major she perked up a little and asked, "Do you know a girl named Lori?" She didn't know Lori's last name and described her as having brown hair. You can imagine how helpful this was for me seeing as the art school has a few thousand students and most of them are brown-haired girls. I had no clue who she meant. "Sounds familiar, I think I had a Drawing class with her last year," I said, as I always do when someone asks me if I know a complete stranger who happens to have the same major as me. The girl was about to say something when she suddenly looked over my shoulder, waved her hand in the air and shouted "Lori!" I blinked and looked up to watch said Lori sit down with us. And lo and behold, the Lori is a Lori I was very good friends with during my freshman year but fell out of touch with. We had a great chat for a couple minutes and then swapped numbers with the intention to hang out this weekend. ... Reading over this little story it doesn't seem nearly as amusing as it did when I first remembered it, but oh well, you can have it anyway. Now I will sleep.

I can't sleep, so I might as well post. I watched Memento with Sebastian yesterday. He fell asleep and I wanted to. I was really disappointed with it. I hung out with Matt most of today to avoid the football chaos downtown; we rented a subtitled Korean action/romance/political flick called Shiri that was confusing but good, I thought, though Matt didn't. Then came home and plowed though the last 150 pages of Goblet of Fire. I've been steadily losing interest in the series since the second book but she really pulled it together again with the last hundred or so pages of this one. And with that said, I'll try trudging back to bed.