still alive.

I think i'm in that bizarre mid-sleep daze. Thanks to my meds I slept all today today (literally) so now I'm waking up on the edge of tomorrow and trying to claim my spot back in the flow of time. Two days down (I think) and three to go. I have to be at the hospital tomrorrow at 8 and will probably be there all day. The clinic had some cookies and sweets out today which actually helped until the nausea started ticking off my stomach and were a lot of fun to eat regardless, so I'm hoping confidently there is at least one patient or nurse there tomorrow who will bring big gooey chocolate-chip cookies for everyone, since I didn't wake up in time to tell dad to help me make some. And so far I've found that bringing driven to a cancer clinic in a silver corvette is the most unsexy thing in the world. I've been over a month since I saw Matt and he's about all I can think about. Dad suggested he drive me down next Sunday to bring back some of my stuff and take care of some school stuff that needs to be done, and I think I'll go for it because I'll be able to see Matt and I have Dad there to help since I'll be feeling awful. We'll see. I can barely type. I think it's time for bed to sleep through tomorrow.

I had a great day and I'm not ready for tomorrow.

My dad went to the company christmas party last night and drove home in a new silver Corvette. Suddenly I have an overpowering urge to learn how to drive manual transmission.

Can't... sleep... Must... find... Percoset...

This is for everyone who saw The Ring. Granted, Manna found this and showed it to me, but I'll post the link anyway and suck up all the credit.

I woke up feeling pretty darn good today and I am in a great mood, probably due to the sugar of all these Oreos I've been eating in order to gain some weight back before Monday. I didn't do anything productive today, but I did finally beat Final Fantasy X. I didn't think I liked the game that much, but then I noticed that I've put in 50+ hours of gametime so I guess I must like it a little after all.

Over Spring Break, Matt and I are taking a week-long trip with a tour group of 13 other people to England and France. It's going to be my first time out of the country and I'm thrilled that I'll get to share it with Matt. We're all signed up and I'm incredibly excited... The only problem is that since my budget's pretty tight at the moment, Matt offered to pay for my ticket and I plan to pay him back. Matt makes a lot of money and money isn't an issue to him, but I feel excrutiatingly unreliable whenever I don't pay someone back for something. The problem is that this trip is over $1600 a person, and my job in Athens, which has to cover all of my textbooks, art supplies and living expenses while I'm at school, pays $312 a month. If I tried to put aside even $20 a week to give to Matt I think it would take me roughly four hundred years to pay him back, and I'm worried he or I might die before then. Even though this really isn't any kind of pressing issue-- I know that Matt won't give it a second thought-- it's going to knaw at me until I find some way to resolve it.

Speaking of money, I found out the other day that so far my cancer treatment has cost over $50,000. And there's still a lot of treatment and several surgeries left to go. Thank goodness for insurance, I guess. Just thinking about it makes me dizzy. Or maybe it's these damn Oreos.

I am heavily medicated and should be in bed but it's been so long since I've updated and a lot has gone on. Unfortunately little of it was good, but I will try to keep the woe-is-me to a minimum. About five days ago the mild cold I've had for about six weeks suddenly got a lot worse, and at the same time I started getting dizzy and weak-- it got to the point that by Sunday I couldn't get out of bed. My Dad took me to the doctor on Monday, they ran some tests and it turned out that my red blood cell, white blood cell and platelet counts had all dropped to critical levels. From Monday afternoon to Tuesday morning they gave me an infusion of platelets and two infusions of red blood cells and then I slept for about 20 hours from Tuesday afternoon to Wednesday morning.

And that about covers it! As of now, I've gotten a lot of my energy back and my cold is slowly going away. I'm a little disheartened that I'm not going to have the chance to drive down and see Matt this weekend as I'd planned (it's already been three weeks since he came to visit) and I'm nervous about starting chemo this Monday with a cold, since I'm going to need all the health I can muster. It's kind of nice having the end of all this in sight, though.

Today I contacted my advisor and registered for two courses next semester, Human Geography and American Lit Post-1700. I think two classes, some clubs (UGAnime, Belly Dancing and Tai Chi Chuan) and my old job will be enough to keep me occupied without stressing me out. I'm getting pretty excited about it. I plan to spend this semester getting healthy again; the doctors say it can take three or four months and I believe it. Right now I look like the freak offspring of an Auschwitz survivor and a chihuahua.

I am very amused by this:


Which Guilty Gear X character are you?

I retook it like three times, too. Go fig.

Okay! The puke seems to be stopping as of today and yesterday, for which I am very grateful. They said I should wait before getting an infusion so I didn't get one as I expected. In the next five days or so I should start feeling a lot better (unless my blood counts decide to really fuck up) and then I hope to drive down to Athens and see Matt for a while, since he's going to be spending Christmas with his mom up north. It turns out my fourth (and final! as in last!) chemo cycle is the week of Christmas, which means I'm going to be spending Christmas day in the hospital getting treatment. It's kind of... pathetic. But I'll really be okay as long as the nurses don't act miserable to be there; that's what would make me depressed. Actually, for some reason I feel like the atmosphere might be extra cheery and warm. And maybe I'll bring cookies. Big ones... with warm gooey chocolate chips...

Where is all this puke COMING from?!

The anemia hit me really badly yesterday and I'm going to have to get another blood infusion tomorrow. It's not very fun but it'll be nice to, you know, get oxygen to my brain again.

This is the first time I've used the computer with the new speakers and they're really nice. There's even a subwoofer. I can't wait to annoy my poor roommate back home.

I have to go to the clinic for some shots now.

Hell Week is over, so now I just have to make it through Hell Weekend and I'll start feeling better again. I just got an email from cdjapan.co.jp that they finally got in and shipped the two-CD order I made about two months ago. Just in time, too, because my dad got me a new speaker system for Hannukah since my right speaker has been slowly but steadily fading into a staticy death. Also talked to Matt for a little while tonight, as well as my friend Lauren in Athens who I hadn't been able to get ahold of since I got here. Today was definitely not a bad Friday, all things considered. And who knows, maybe Jon Stewart'll even make fun of Whitney again on the Daily Show. "duh huh huh i wanna see the receipts"

One day down, four to go. I was already puking my kidneys out by last night, though, which is a lot sooner than last time. At this rate I'll be getting sick before the next cycle even starts or something.

But I have lots of good news! For one thing, I managed to gain seven pounds over the weekend, so I don't have to be quite as worried about my weight this time around. But in even better news, the doctor talked with me yesterday about the results of a CT scan I had done earlier last week, and:

The tumor by my kidney is completely gone.
The unidentified fluid in my pelvis is gone.
All the swollen lymph nodes in my abdomen are back to normal.
The tumor in my lung is down to about half its original size and density.

Not only am I getting seriously healed, but the doctor even said that this is a lot faster than usual. I can't describe how good it makes me feel to know that all this is actually helping me and that I really am going to be all better by the time it's done. I really am being cured!

Mom is back home; my sister and brother-in-law are back home; Matt's back home. Thanksgiving was great, as was Matt's visit this weekend from Friday till today. I showed him around Asheville, we saw Treasure Planet (great movie), we went out with my family a few times, but mainly we just laid low and enjoyed each other's company. Seeing each other only every three weeks or so has been really hard. It's going to be nice to get back to Athens and pick up my life where I left it.

It's been over a week of great visits and getting out and doing things and feeling almost like myself again, but now everyone's gone and tomorrow morning I'm going back to the clinic for another week of chemo. Suddenly it feels like I'm right back where I started.