I am just about to head out as soon as I check mail and pack some clothes. I was up late doodling when I should have been sleeping, but it's been so long since I've done anything that I figured it was worth it. (Meet Osseous.) And hey, when I get back, all the components for the cable network my roommate and I are setting up should be here. Rock on mammajammas!

I started my old job again this week, and it's excellent to know I'll have some money coming in. I work three shifts a week at the moment and I think I might even add one or two more; making $120 a week for pretty easy and fun work would be pretty slick. I'm driving back to Dad's tomorrow after my classes in order to get that damned CT scan on Friday (finally), and then most likely driving back on Saturday. Keep your fingers crossed for good results.

Calif. Boys Copied 'Sopranos,' Decapitated Mom: I wish I could say that I scour news sources for horrifying things like this, but in reality it seems like it's getting hard to avoid reading news like this these days.

Oh yeah, two other (even less important) notes: I added an optional second layout to my personal site, and I also made a Windows background of the lerve.com main page, without the "lerve.com" or site names. Click here to download it [1024x768 size], and if you like it please let me know!

At the moment both Matt and my roommate are very sick with the flu, and this makes me quite nervous. I think I'll run by the clinic tomorrow for a flu shot while there's still time. Now is not a good time for me to get sick. Not that, you know, there's ever a good time for a person to get sick-- it's not like you want to find a convenient time in your schedule to pencil it in or something-- but you know what I mean.

Swung by my old job and got it back-- I'll be working Mon/Weds/Fri during the day until some evening shifts open up on other days. I spent the afternoon making Matt a big bunch of vegetable beef soup (which turned out surprisingly great), brought it over to him around dinner time and just got him a couple minutes ago. Oh, and I did laundry. Maybe I'll just go to bed.

Infant Left to Die in Toilet: I hope he burns.

A long day of somewhat satisfying classes and now it's the weekend. My CT scan to make sure all of the cancer is gone has been pushed back yet again to the 31st of the month. I wish I could just get the damn thing done already, because I can't stand having this big indefinite thing hanging over my head.

Matt has been coming down with something the past few days and actually took today off from work to rest, something I don't think I can ever recall him doing in the three years I've known him. That's probably what makes me worry most. I think I'm going to make a big pot of soup for him tomorrow... except that I'm not exactly sure how to make any kind of soup. Does anyone have any good recipes?

I went by the health clinic yesterday to see all the nurses and doctors who helped me last semester during those three weeks or so of hell I had before I ended up leaving. I was really happy to see them and they were all really happy to see me; we spent a good hour or so catching up on everything that had happened. It's such a nice feeling to know that they're really and truly looking out for me here. I should send them flowers or something.

Still eating like a pig (tonight's dinner: 3 slices of pizza, a big salad, a chili dog and a bowl of ice cream). I'm up to 125 pounds.

Security Flaw Exposes AOL Accounts: Um, all you guys on AOL might wanna take a look at this and change your passwords.

Kitty Porn - The Sexy Side of Cats: "Let's face it: cats are very sexy creatures, not only in their romantic habits, but in their sleek and supple physiques, their aura of mystery and intrigue, and their tradition of lying around in provocative postures."

Oh my god. I hate the internet.

You are pink. You are in limbo. Not pure and manipulated like white, not impure and noble like red. You are unsure of your real identity, but whatever you chose it to be, you can be it. That is your power. You change everyone you touch, and everyone remembers you. In literature, pink represents the place between heaven and hell. You are the one we will never forget.

I woke up at 4am this morning shrieking in terror so much that my roommate actually ran upstairs to make sure I was okay. We then somehow got into a conversation about traffic accidents and South Park that lasted around half an hour, after which I realized that I couldn't remember what I told him when he'd come up and asked what happened. He told me that I'd said something about "glowing eyes." Good lord, what a freaky night.

It's freezing in here! That's actually a nice change, though, since my roommate seems to be unable to survive if the thermostat is set to anything less than 70°. He also likes to leave the lights on in every room for no reason. And then he is surprised when our power bill is $100+. Funny how that happens. You know, I really hope I wouldn't be this bitchy if I lived with somebody I loved, especially since I'm seriously considering moving in with Matt for the summer and renting out my room for some extra $$$.

I saw Matt but didn't get much work done today. I've been so busy seeing people since I came back to Athens that I have a pile of laundry big enough to get its own Olympics abbreviation and I still need to clean my room and finish unpacking-- but all in all it seems like a pretty fair trade-off. I also wanted to note, though, that I redid the layout to my personal site today and would dig feedback on it.

The first full week of the semester is over and done! I thought it would be difficult and intimidating to jump back into living on my own and going back to school, but I slipped back into it immediately. I was also concerned that I would be too listless if I only took two classes, but I discovered quickly that two is plenty for right now. My days off have been filled with doing homework (which is mainly a lot of reading for my Lit class), running errands, catching up with all the friends I haven't seen since I left last semester, and spending time with Matt. The hardest thing I've had to deal with so far is my energy level, which is still terrible. I'm utterly and completely exhausted by six o'clock pretty much every single night, even though I'm getting a pretty decent amount of sleep. On the other hand, my appetite has gone through the roof since I've been home. I don't think I've ever eaten this much in my life. When I'm on campus I stuff myself all day in the dining halls and when I'm home I'm eating and snacking on things almost constantly. And yet I weighed myself today only to discover that I've barely cracked 120 pounds-- for comparison, the lowest I ever got during the chemo was 115.5. I have fifteen pounds to go before I'm back to where I was, but I wouldn't mind adding five or ten pounds more to that. Maybe I need to get some of those protein shakes, even though I tried them in high school and they didn't seem to help...

In any case, I'm just so glad to be home and getting my life back.

If anyone's been trying to call my the past two days, my cell phone's currently in a padded envelope on its way to Knoxville, TN. I'll tell the long, wonderful story later.

In other news, my stepmom is going with some friends to the Grammy's. The husband of one of her friends is nominated for something. Small world!

I am finally home. I got up at ten, finished packing and cleaning, loaded up the car, got on the road by noon, got here at three, and saw Matt till just a little while ago. We got Chinese for dinner to celebrate. Matt's fortune: "A good friend you've missed will return soon." My fortune: "Tonight will be your lucky night." We laughed for quite a while.

My to-do list for tommorow:
-unpack my stuff
-clean
-go to the DMV to renew my three-months-expired registration (heh heh whoops)
-find a US Cellular store to get a local number
-do all my laundry
-buy groceries
-go to the clinic to see the doctors
-get my textbooks

Ay papi! Someone stop the madness...

Packing up all my crap and cleaning the massive amount of filth that's accumulated in here is taking a lot more time than I thought it would, and probably would even if I had all my energy back. Looks like I'm gonna be here to Sunday. It's been six weeks since I've seen Matt and this extra 24 hours is ticking me off.

My bed is looking so nice right now... But first:

I Am

"Undirected Creative Force. Open, receptive, devoid of pre-conceived notions. Beginnings.
A young man holding the white rose of innocence in his left hand and grasping a vagabond's staff and satchel in the other, wanders with his gaze to the heavens, about to step into an abyss. His is the transformative journey of the spirit from innocence through experience into wisdom. His guardian and friend is the white dog symbolizing his own puppylike trust and faith, for which the world labels him The Fool."
Which tarot card are you?

It feels like things are slowly starting to come back together. For the first time in a long while I got out of the house for a few hours, got some exercise and saw my friends (and all in one day, mind you!). All my blood counts are still very low, but at least I feel like a semi-functional human being again. The new semester starts tomorrow and I wish I was there for it. Hopefully that'll change within the next few days, though. I need to clean up the flat and pack everything I brought with me-- which is a lot-- and I'm hoping I'll have the energy to do all that before the weekend. It'd be great to have a few days to get settled back home before starting class on Tuesday.

I can't wait, but I'm also nervous about starting class looking the way I do. People stare at me whenever I go out in public now and it's started to make me feel like I have to make excuses, a horrible thing that fortunately I haven't felt in years. But it's not like I can blame them; I hardly recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I look like, well... a cancer patient. I've dropped twenty pounds, something I never even thought would be physically possible, I'm white as a sheet and I've lost all my hair from the neck up except for my eyebrows (but then these suckers could probably survive an atom bomb). And it's not about vanity-- I don't give a shit if anyone thinks I'm attractive. I just want to be normal. I don't want to feel like I stick out like a sore thumb whenever I sit down in class, because I'll be nervous enough walking into a group of strangers as it is. I know there must be a part of this that's simply paranoia, and I know that thoughts like this aren't constructive, but it's getting so hard to shake it. My life has been so bizarre for the past three months that right now I would just like to be completely and absolutely ordinary.

(But just for a little while.)

Talk about an awesome prank.

Today was my very last chemo dose. It's late and I'm tired and I can't think of anything profound to say, but it is definitely a happy event. I think I'll celebrate by sleeping.

Two-hour nosebleed, platelete infusion, hurting throat, etc. etc. etc.

More importantly, http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=478!

I just redid the layout of the lerve.com main page. It's the first thing I've created in months and I would appreciate any and all feedback.

I woke up at 1am with a 102° fever and seizure-quality chills; apparently the Tylenol and Benadryl I'd been taking all day had worn off and my body was rejecting the blood transfusion. In any case, I just took some more of the two meds, watched some Conan (O'Brien, not the Barbarian) and in a little while everything calmed down. My throat infection is still pretty bad even though they gave me antiobiotics for it, so it doesn't look like I'm going to drive down to Athens with Dad tomorrow after all. I'm actually thinking of skipping the first day of class (Thursday) and staying and resting up here through next weekend, then driving down on Monday the 12th and going to my classes on Tuesday (I only have class on Tues/Thurs). I honestly have no idea what I'll end up doing, but that sounds like a very logical plan.

I'm so excited to get back on my own again, but at the same time I have this nagging terror about it, too. I've been dealing with the cancer crap for six months now, so now that it's almost over with I feel like there must be another calamity waiting around the corner.

Jesus Christ, I need to see a therapist. I'm sick of being fucked up.

A survey to kill the time. I have no idea why so many questions are missing, that's just how I found it.

1. NAME: Aaron.

2. WHO WERE YOU NAMED AFTER: No one, it was just the first name in the baby name book.

4. MASCOT: I have no idea. A giant glowing neon blue phallus?

7. ZODIAC SIGN: Sagittarius.

8. GRADE: Junior.

9. GPA: 3.61

12. SHOE SIZE: 10-11

16. LAST CD YOU BOUGHT/BURNED: Bought: this and this. Burned: Aaron's Dance Dance Revolution ~BEST OF~ 2003 Extreme Style MAXX!!

17. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN THE THEATRE: Analyze That, which put the "anal" in "analyze."

18. LAST MOVIE YOU RENTED: Bloodwork, which also sucked.

31. FAVOURITE THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: Sleep.

33. FAVOURITE COLLEGE TEAM: No thanks.

34. FAVOURITE STORE: A tie between Structure and Salvation Army.

35. FAVOURITE FOOD: Big Bacon Classics from Wendy's, chalupas from Taco Bell, but CHEESECAKE ABOVE ALL.

39. ARE YOU ON ANY SPORTS TEAM? No, but I'd like to join the fencing team at some point.

41. WHERE'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO GO ON VACATION?: Here (my dad's, in Asheville NC).

43. FAVORITE SCARY MOVIE: For fun, Scream or Urban Legend. To get scared shitless, The Ring.

45. GUYS WITH OR WITHOUT HAT(s): With.

46. BEST NUMBER EVER: 1.

48. FAVORITE DAY: Saturday.

49. BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: Peace.

50. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: Puking a Big Bacon Classic out your nose at two in the morning.

53. ABORTION: My opinion on abortion is about as valid as a Republican grandmother's opinion on gay rights.

54. TEENAGE SMOKING: Go for it, kiddies! Cancer's a blast.

55. EATING DISORDERS: Unnecessary.

56. STALKERS: I've had two, and neither was very fun.

57. ATHLETES: Eye candy.

58. MARILYN MANSON: I like his make-up a lot.

59. GUY BANDS: Great when muted.

60. DEATH: A little too close lately.

61. SCHOOL: aaron like skool! skool make aaron unstoopid.

62. TITANIC: Oh good lord.

63. JERRY SPRINGER: Smart man who caters to fools.

66. SCHOOL VIOLENCE: Catch students fighting? I say expell them or fine them or both.

67. SOUTH PARK: One of the two shows I actually go out of my way to watch (the other being The Daily Show).

68. CHEATING: What goes around comes around.

69. PRE-MARITAL SEX: For the record, it'd be nice to live in a country where it was legal for me to get married. Not that I would've waited, but hey.

70. GOD: We amicably parted ways a while back.


[big long name section cropped]


97. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK: No. ... Okay, yes. But I'm a lot better than I was!

100. DO YOU BELIEVE IN HEAVEN AND HELL? No.

101. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ANGELS? I'd like to say no, but then I remember that story Manna told me and I have to wonder.

102. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS? Sure, why not?

105. WHAT DO YOU DO THAT MAKES YOUR FRIENDS MAD? I really don't know. I hope they'd tell me.

106. ARE YOU MAD AT ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS?: No! I love my friends.

108. DO YOU HAVE ANY BAD HABITS? Yes.

109. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE RESTAURANT? Five Star Day, down in Athens.

110. WHERE IS YOUR FAVOURITE HANGOUT? My room.

111. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY KIND OF PET, WHAT WOULD IT BE? A cat.

112. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION? Life.

116. CHICKEN/TURKEY? Chicken.

117. LOVE/LUST? Love.

118. WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT- FRIENDSHIPS or RELATIONSHIPS? Friendships, I think.

119. HUGS OR KISSES: Hugs.

121. CHOCOLATES OR FLOWERS: Chocolates.

122. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE LOVE SONG: [SAP WARNING] Shania Twain's "You're Still the One," because it makes me think of Matt. [/SAP WARNING]

127. HOW DO YOU PERSONALLY RATE YOUR BODY: With a loud laugh.

129. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING AT THIS VERY MOMENT? "This applesauce is too watery."

131. ARE YOU A VEGETARIAN? No.

132. FAVOURITE KINDS OF CLOTHES: They have to be soft, whatever they are.

135. EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? Yes.

136. BEEN ON A PLANE? Over 200 times, which is 199 too many, I think.

137. WENT SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN: Yes.

138. BEEN FLASHED: Yes, by Bec's former roommate Zoe.

142. GONE SKINNY DIPPING: Yes.

143. CRIED IN PUBLIC: Yes.

144. LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: Yes.

147. GONE TO CHURCH: No. Shul, yes, back in the day.

148. READ THE BIBLE: That's a biased question.

149. WANTED TO DIE: Whenever I'm puking.

150. BOUGHT A CONDOM: Yes.

151. BEEN HURT BY A GUY/GIRL YOU LOVED: Love hurts.

152. KILLED SOMEONE IN YOUR THOUGHTS: No.

153. BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT: Six or seven, but never when I'm driving.

158. SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: Travel. A lot.

159. WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE PERSON TO TALK TO: Manna.

160. WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE PERSON TO TALK TO ABOUT LIFE? Devan, and my sister.

161. WHAT DO YOU HATE? Being broke and dependent.

163. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU SAID "I LOVE YOU" TO: Dad.

164. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON TO TELL YOU THAT THEY LOVE YOU: Dad.

Yesterday morning I wrote a huge post about what's been going on that somehow deleted itself; oh well. I went out yesterday for the first time since the Monday before last. I ran errands, I played some DDR at the mall, I hung out with Bec and Monica till 1am... I felt awesome. And then everything promptly fell apart. I woke up this morning dizzy, weak and with a blazing throat infection. I drove to the clinic for some tests and it turns out that my my red blood cell count was critically low and my white blood cell count had literally dropped close to zero. So it was off to the pharmacy for some antibiotics and then infusion place to get two units of red blood cells, and now I'm home again huddling in my robe and wondering at the massive difference twelve hours can make. Tomorrow I'll be a lot better because of the infusion, which I'm thankful for, but right now tomorrow feels a long way off.

still alive. am i seriously starting classes next week?