aporia - journal

2007-05-18T10:57:00.000-04:00

At last...

2007-01-19T01:18:00.000-05:00

Does a good outlook lead to good fortune, or is it the other way around? I don't know, but either way, this has been the best week I've had in months.

- In the spirit of following my bliss this year, I have acquired a sewing machine in order to make good on my long-standing desire to learn how to sew. I originally purchased a fairly simple Kenmore from Sears: it's small, it's cute, it's shiny and new. Perfect, right? But my stepmom, who's an expert seamstress, insisted on sending me one of hers, which arrived the day before yesterday. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't this-- a Viking 6460, which I'm certain is at least as old as I am. The machine pictured on this page (second from the bottom) must have never been used, because mine looks like it's sewn through Hell and back-- it's yellowed and dusty, the stickers are wearing off and the knobs have no labels. Honestly, I'm too intimidated to actually plug it in and make sure it works properly. But hey, free is a great price for a sewing machine, and if I can learn on this one, I'll be ready for anything. Bring it on!

- My mother called me on Wednesday to tell me that my grandmother has spontaneously decided to give all of her grandkids $1,000. I'm still kind of stunned by her generosity, not to mention the serendipitous timing. I haven't accepted any kind of financial support from anyone in my family for several years, but seeing as it's a family-wide gift and I'm still working part-time for what amounts to a handful of beans, it absolutely could not be coming at a better time. I can't describe the relief it will be to help me cover my bills until I'm promoted, which brings us to...

- ...the news my manager gave me yesterday, which is that he's given his two weeks notice to move on and because of this, has recommended me for immediate promotion to Asst Manager so that I and the current Asst Manager could share the duty until a replacement is found for him. I've really enjoyed working for him and will be truly sad to see him go, but hopefully this means that I'll be promoted within the next couple weeks and this months-long waiting game will finally be over. He hasn't yet gotten a confirmation for my promotion from the regional manager, so this is still up in the air, but the gears are at least in motion. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

- The gift money I'm getting is going strictly to bills, but I did allow myself one exception: a much-needed new digital camera. I'll be brightening up my posts with a lot more pictures once it comes in.

Here's to hoping the good fortune keeps coming!

What are you holding onto?

2007-01-12T13:04:00.000-05:00

Fortunately, the perk of writing a blog versus a novel is that on occasions like this, I can skip the gooey, weepy middle of this sad plotline and skip right to the happy ending, which is that Evan and I have gotten back together and are doing better than ever. I think we both knew that some time apart would help us see how much we mean to each other, but I for one didn't expect it to be so quick or so overwhelming. It is abundantly clear to me now that I'm the luckiest man alive to be with him, which must mean this temporary breakup was a success (assuming such a thing is possible). Even though this isn't a novel, I'm going to slap a big THE END. on this issue and move on.

2006 is over, as you may have noticed, and with it have (coincidentally) ended several unpleasant months of health, relationship, job and other woes, many of which I didn't choose to describe here. In fact, as of the past few weeks things are looking downright sunny. December 18th was my last day at my full-time job, and since then I haven't once missed it or regretting leaving: I need a more creative and positive environment than I had there. These days I'm working part time at a video game store as previously mentioned, which is as challenging as it is fun. While I'm having to dip into my savings to get by at the moment, I was prepared to do that and there are some opportunities coming up for me at this job that I'm very excited and optimistic about. I realized recently that it's been years since I've had a job I liked going to, and so far it's making everything else a lot more enjoyable with it. Funny how that happens.

The consistently eloquent danah boyd, self-made pundit of the Internets, started 2007 with a study on teenagers' use of social networking sites for surprisingly disposeable expression. [Also worth reading is her essay on Facebook's recent privacy snafu, which made TIME's look downright inane.] The trend she illustrates is that if they lose a password or access, which apparently happens often, they simply make a new profile/username/etc. and repeat the process: there's no major commitment or attachment to their online representation. Considering that in three months this journal will be six years old (for better or for worse, as these days much of the content in the archives embarasses me), it's obvious that I'm not the type to hold that view of things. But the article still left me with the lingering question of: What other things am I holding in a deathgrip that probably don't deserve that much energy? I don't have any immediate answers, but it's something I'm going to keep in mind. I think my goal in 2007 is going to be to relax and be a little more accepting of circumstances. Life is just too goddamn short. (You'd think the cancer would have made taught me that, but I'm surprisingly stubborn.)

So here's to 2007, which I hope for all of us will be the year that our fears are quelled, our needs are met, our joys are found, and we each become the person we have always wanted to be.

The end.

2006-12-17T19:43:00.000-05:00

Despite the fact that we still love each other, and despite the fact we've worked so hard to make it work, Evan and I decided to break up yesterday. We're doing this now so that we can work on our own issues and come back together in the future as happy, whole people, able to start off on the right foot again. Logically, we both know that this is the best option for us right now. But that hasn't made it any less excrutiating.

I've been through all kinds of physical pain, but this is totally different and worse than all of them. I feel like I'm suffocating; I'm constantly having to gasp for air, even when I'm not doing anything. I've been spending time out of the house and with friends, which has been a huge help, but when I stay still for too long it creeps back over me and my heart starts pounding and I start sobbing again. Hearing myself cry makes me feel even worse, though, so then I stop and find something else to do. I'm always hungry but eating makes me nauseous. All I really want to do is put on one of Evan's t-shirts and curl up in bed and sleep. I just want to sleep for a month and wake up as a whole person again.

I know we did this so we could have a better chance at a future, but that's poor consolation when the present feels like this.

Echoes and shifts.

2006-12-10T22:28:00.000-05:00

I read Speaker for the Dead years ago and passionately hated it, but it has one scene that's always stayed with me. The most interesting character in the novel is Jane, an artificial sentience that makes herself known to the protagonist Ender and piggybacks on his experiences via an earpiece he wears. At some point in the story (my memory is fuzzy), Jane distracts him while he's talking with another character and he temporarily turns off the earpiece. The next few pages describe the minute, complex, instantaneous effects of this action on Jane, who must completely restructure herself to adapt to this sudden disconnection from him. This is the only thing I remember from that entire book, and after I talked with Evan this afternoon, clicked End and put the phone back in my pocket, I realized that this transformation had suddenly happened to me. Our week apart and that conversation have shown me that Evan is living his own life now, and the connection between us has been severed and replaced with something else. The old me that was attached to him can no longer exist.

The only difference is that I don't have the efficient immediacy with which Jane recreated herself-- only that sudden awareness of isolation, need, and infinite loose ends.

Awww...

2006-12-06T16:43:00.000-05:00

Some of the little girls in the community made me a Christmas ornament! Behold the cute.

I feel like the Grinch when his heart swells up and breaks the X-ray machine.

Two weeks' notice, squared

2006-12-06T10:33:00.000-05:00

I took Monday off work to job hunt and yesterday gave my formal notice to quit. December 18th will be my last day. I'm alternating between huge waves of relief to finally be out of this job and quick, jarring pangs of panic about my future. I still don't have a new job locked down yet, but I've put in eight applications around town over the past few days and with the ongoing holiday rush I'm confident something decent will turn up soon. And if it doesn't, well, hard crunches like this are why I've been so frugal. I'd love to spend my savings on electronics, vacations and clothes-- to blow the whole thing on an orgasmic consumerist rampage-- but my parents raised me to be too practical to do that, which I guess I'm thankful for. (To an extent, anyway. My whole life is like that scene in South Park where Kyle can't toss his nunchaku down the well to avoid getting in trouble because he can't bear the idea of having wasted $20 on them. I don't know what the hell they put in the matzah balls when we're little to make us like this, but whatever it is it apparently stays with us for life. [Another anecdote: My boss (also Jewish) and I were given gift certificates to Honey Baked Ham for Christmas, but we're both unable to use them on the grounds that the place is way too expensive-- even though it's not our money being spent. How sad is that?])

On Sunday Evan and I also gave our relationship something of a two weeks' notice. We're taking the next two weeks off to sort out our own lives and then reconvene the Sunday after next to decide whether or not we'll stay together. I have no idea what will happen then, and at this point have no idea what I even want to happen. Things from this point on will at the very least be different.

It's a little disconcerting to think that my whole life could change in two weeks, or not change at all.

Unexpected events.

2006-11-30T23:52:00.000-05:00

All my worry about Thanksgiving was for naught-- it was one of the best ones I can remember. The day started with a slew of wonderful presents from my wonderful Evan, after which we packed up and headed to Atlanta for the feast. The total group was Evan, my sister, brother-in-law, cousin and me, and we had dinner with some of my sister's friends who had a beautiful house, excellent culinary skills, impressive alcohol tolerance and the kind of sharp, crass sense of humor that I appreciate most. After we ate, we spread out between a few rooms and left the patio door open to enjoy the night air. At some point a huge, tan Boxer-looking dog wandered onto the patio and into the house and simply made himself comfortable, peering into various rooms and helping himself to play with the family dog's toys (about which said dog was less than thrilled). My sister's friends assumed he belonged to one of their neighbors and asked around but no one seemed to recognize him. He was very sweet, very hungry and didn't bark once all night, so, naturally, they're fairly set on adopting him. Food, family, friends, wine, birthday cake, and a home for a stray dog: that's a damn fine Thanksgiving.

I've had a bit of a revelation since I started the part-time job: I'm not as awful a person as I thought. For ages now I've kind of accepted the fact that I'm an asshole because in a given situation I seem to excel most in the role of the Bad Cop (and I usually enjoy it). I'm seeing now, though, that might not be all my own fault. I'm a completely different person at the new job-- patient, friendly, outgoing and upbeat-- and it's because I enjoy my new job infinitely more than my full-time one. It involves a subject I enjoy (video games) and I get to do something for people that makes them happy (talk about and sell games), whereas in my full-time job all I do is I make them upset (harassing them about money, violations, rules, etc). It is a good thing to know that I'm a nice guy after all, and not somehow broken with my demeanor switch jammed permanently into Surly Asshole mode.

And that's all well and good, but it doesn't really help the fact that I'm working a full-time job that I completely loathe. I love the people I work with, but over the past few months I've steadily grown to hate the work I do and the person I have to be there. This is why I've decided to quit, even if it means dipping into my savings until another full-time position becomes available to me. I can't describe how much it terrifies me to give up a job that's been so secure, well-paying and often rewarding-- especially here in Athens, which has a nonexistent job market-- in favor of a future that isn't at all certain. But the question I keep asking myself is, How long should you go on being miserable simply because you know it's safe? I don't quite know what my future looks like except, with growing certainty, that this job is not going to be a part of it. I'm trying my best to believe that everything else will become equally clear.

Work, the holidays and Pharaoh

2006-11-22T11:02:00.000-05:00

Pharaoh went to the vet a few days ago for his yearly checkup and shots. I'm proud to say he's fit and in great health, just very large-- 17 pounds, according to Dr Maxwell's scale. ("Oh, he is a monster," she said when I brought him into the room.) He fell into a strangely subdued funk afterwards, though, that he's only slowly coming out of now. I don't know if it was because he was traumatized or angry, but I actually miss his surliness.

In other news, my job situation seems to finally be changing for the better. I still have my full-time job, but I started a part-time job a few weeks ago at a video game retailer and am loving it. It's my first experience in retail and it's been a big challenge to adjust-- I wrongly assumed that good customer service skills could be applied equally in any field. But I'm making progress, I (of course) love the merchandise, I get along well with the rest of the staff and there are some exciting opportunities for advancement that will hopefully be opening up for me there in the future. Until then, it's kind of refreshing not being in a managerial position. Organizing a display of games doesn't have quite the same stress level involved as, say, going to court and evicting people from their homes. And hey, it's some pocket money in time for the holidays.

And that reminds me to note that we're having our office Thanksgiving lunch in about an hour, then tomorrow Evan and I are going to my sister's and brother-in-law's in Atlanta to have the main event with them and some of their friends. For as long as I can remember my dad and stepmom have held a huge family dinner back in Asheville-- far and away my favorite day of the year-- but this year they're out travelling. I'm sure Atlanta will be fun, but it would have been really great to be back in Asheville in a year that Thanksgiving and my birthday coincided.

But this is a time to be thankful, not complaining, right? I know we'll have a fantastic time, and hope everyone else does too! (I'm making a cheesecake just to be safe.)

The new site is up and running!

2006-11-19T16:40:00.000-05:00

It took a lot longer than expected, but the new version of aporia is here! (If you're reading this post via some other means [ahem], I humbly request you take a look at the site to see what I'm talking about. Plase? Don't make me pile on the Jewish guilt.) As you can see, in keeping with current Web 2.0 standards there are a lot more gadgets, gizmos and even doodads available in that handy toolbar on the left. On the right there are some helpful ads from Amazon; it's worth a shot, right? And sprinkled throughout, there are more exclamation marks, because let's face it: the old layout was looking kind of lonely and sad. With comments now enabled and my email address more prevalent I'm hoping it'll also be a little easier to contact me. Hey, speaking of-- what do you think of this new version? Any suggestions? Run into any bugs? Do let me know.

Sometimes I still like my job.

2006-11-14T17:02:00.000-05:00

Boss: Can I use a few of your stamps?
Me: Yeah, hang on.
Boss: No no, I'll get them. You don't do errands.
Me: I'm glad we have an understanding.

Better late than never--

2006-11-09T16:59:00.000-05:00

The Italy pictures are up! Head on over to this shiny new flickr set to see them. I'm not sure how it happened with my middle-grade digital camera and shaky hands, but there are some truly beautiful ones in there. Soon to come: a lengthy update about the trip.

Also soon to come: my birthday, which is on Thanksgiving Day again this year. Nothing wrong with turning 25, is there?

Home again...

2006-11-05T11:31:00.000-05:00

I'm safely returned from Italy and have several hundred pictures to sort through, optimize and share (and those only cover the first couple days, after which my camera broke. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise?). The trip was phenomenal, to put it mildly-- even the handful of rough patches we had just made the rest of it seem that much better. I'll withhold my explanation until I get the pictures finished, though, in hopes the two will work well together in describing the experience.

In more general news, I'm starting to believe, tentatively, hopefully, that some of the rough times I've been going through are finally coming to an end. I have a new job lined up, about which I'm very excited; employment issues have accounted for a big chunk of the recent unpleasantness. Most importantly, though, I feel like I'm reaching a point where I'll be able to talk about all these things in something other than cryptic, abstract terms, and that'll be a huge help both to me and this poor, stumbling journal.

This journal is also going to be going through some big changes and reorganization soon, so if anything suddenly ceases to function... well, it'll still be broken, I guess, but at least you'll know why.

Still alive and in Italy!

2006-10-22T15:47:00.000-04:00

It took a little less than 17 hours of travel to get here, including trains, planes, taxis and buses (and a missed flight in Paris), and I've only been here in Florence for about a day and a half, but all I can think about is how happy I am here. I feel so absolutely at-home and alive-- it blows London out of the water despite the fact that I don't even speak Italian. I can't stop smiling!

I'm taking hundreds of pictures and some movies in order to capture every part of this trip. I need to live here.

So it goes.

2006-10-19T10:59:00.000-04:00

Ahhh, man. I keep waiting for this little rough patch to end so I can write about it with retrospective clarity, but the damn thing just keeps crawling on. Things are starting to look up, though-- mainly, I have a few exciting job prospects that I'm waiting to hear back about. For about a month or so I was concerned that my cancer had returned, but after about $8,000 of doctor visits and tests (thank goodness for insurance) everything is clear and that issue, at least, is over.

What I really wanted to announce today, though, is that tomorrow night I'm heading to Italy with my family for a week! We've been planning the trip since last Thanksgiving and I almost can't believe it's finally arrived. We're staying in a condo in central Florence but I hope to see as much of the country as I can, with or without my family. One of the things that I'm most excited about on this trip is that I'm not a cash-strapped student like I was when Matt and I went to England and France-- I'm going to be able to enjoy myself and spend money without stressing myself sick. Apparently there is also a computer with internet access in the condo, which means I can post live updates during the trip... at least in theory. Ideally I'll be keeping myself too busy for that.

The only thing I'm worried about is that Evan is very sick at the moment and I'd rather be here to help him. More and more, it seems to be that life isn't about what happens to you, but when.

Loose ends

2006-09-15T19:21:00.000-04:00

I've tried several times over the past few weeks to write an update, but some fairly awful things have happened and whenever I started to describe them I got so frustrated and depressed that I stopped. So, I want to talk instead about some of the things going on right now that make me happy.

� First and foremost, Evan's and my one-year anniversary was on September 4th! We had a picnic and watched a movie, just as we did on our first date. This time, though, we went to Memorial Park and walked around Bear Hollow Zoo (where all the animals were trying to sleep through the heat but were no less cute). It feels so natural for us to be together that it's hard for me to believe that it's already been a year-- I guess time flies when you're having fun, right? It was great to have an excuse to celebrate my baby in any case, because Evan is one of the best things that's ever happened to me and I love him dearly.

� Here are some pictures of Lily and Bruno, my mother's cats and the best part of my ill-fated Arizona trip.

� One of the stray cats in the community had a litter of four kittens about a month ago. The residents are keeping an eye on them, and once in a while the kids will bring them to the office to let them wander around and/or be cuddled and cooed at by me. They are adorable little babies, and people have already offered homes to three of them.

� I got a chance to see Ginny again: the couple who unexpectedly received her back in March brought her by the office last week before they moved out. She is a big, healthy, beautiful cat now, and apparently has no trouble keeping their two massive dogs in check. (That's my girl.) Seeing her again gave me a wonderful sense of closure, as I've still been thinking about her periodically. It's kind of embarassing to admit, but the moment when she gave me that first scratchy little mew and purr in the supply room after three days of patient coaxing remains one of the most touching moments of my life.

� My slow-burning frustration with my self-presentation currently has my wardrobe in its crosshairs. The extra-huge shirts and ratty thrift store finds from high school, the cheap vintage nonsense from college... I'm not the person who bought these things, and it seems ridiculous to hold onto them. Even the casual things I've bought post-college don't seem appropriate anymore. So, last weekend I tried on every single garment I owned, from t-shirts to coats, and whittled out about a third of my clothes, the decent articles of which I gave to friends. The person I am now is still comfortable, but more calm and (I hope) sophisticated, and I only kept the clothes that I think express that. I've been looking at designers like Bottega Veneta, Thom Browne, John Bartlett and especially Narciso Rodriguez, lamenting that I could never own clothes like that or present myself that way... And then I thought why the fuck can't I? I can't afford those designers, but I could still buy some nice things, for both practical and personal reasons-- I'm going to a lot of interviews these days, and I have never really treated myself to anything big with the money I've saved up. Considering this current rough patch I'm going through, now seems like a good time.

Therefore, this weekend my goal is to shop my ass off at the Mall of Georgia and/or Commerce without looking at a single price tag, until I have either bought everything I want, or I've spent $1,500-- whichever comes first. I'll be sure to update with the results.

Time now for dinner and more Lost, so that's it for now. This update has been surprisingly kitten-intensive... Hope no one's allergic.

Wait, what?

2006-08-19T23:53:00.000-04:00

Me: "Do you have any stamps?"
Mom: "You're very high-maintenance, aren't you?"

My 12:05pm flight home tomorrow CANNOT COME SOON ENOUGH.

Still around. Sort of.

2006-08-15T21:57:00.000-04:00

In the past couple weeks I've had a meltdown, been put on medication, started another journal about it, been pushed out of my job, and now I'm packing for an ill-timed trip to Arizona tomorrow morning, where I will be visiting my mother till Sunday. There'll be more information here soon, as I expect to have a lot of time on my hands.

In Family News...

2006-07-27T06:31:00.000-04:00

Suddenly there's a new player on the team, and I think we're lucky to have him. Not only is he being incredibly positive about it, but it's also extremely cute. Well played.

Meanwhile, we still have George Michael being an embarrassment. You can be a cheap slut all you like, buddy, but don't drag "your culture" down with you. (At least he still has a sparkling future.) Because of the scrutiny gay culture is constantly put under I feel like we all have an added responsibility to fight the stereotypes and prove ourselves as, well... good, moral, normal people. For the record, I actually believe that everyone, gay or otherwise, has that same personal duty, it's a larger issue because the scales are currently weighted against us: it takes more effort to accomplish this goal, and much less to impede it. Each of us, whether we like it or not, is an ambassador to the Land of Gay. That might not be fair, but that's life.

And here I am taking this stand while getting bitchy and linking to faggoty gossip sites... I guess I break even. It's been a difficult night.

George Michael was one of my favorite artists long before either of us came out, which is another reason why that article is so depressing to me. The first thing that came to mind when I heard about it was a song about infidelity from his excellent decade-old album Older, on which he wrote, arranged and produced every track, as well as played almost all of the instruments: MP3�/ lyrics. The man is (or was) incredibly talented.

2006-07-25T22:46:00.000-04:00

It's been a while now since I got my 2nd tattoo, but I never did post pictures. I got a slightly modified version of this symbol, which I think matches my other both visually and thematically. Here are some vaguely unflattering pictures of the finished product. I'm very happy with it, but #3, whenever it happens, will definitely be larger. Shortly after I got it I saw this article, and it's great to feel like part of a growing community as opposed to a minority, as is the case with so many other things. The first one did seem like something of a rite of passage, too, and both have seemed like steps toward a future version of myself which I can only occasionally catch glimpses of.

On the subject of change, it's always reassuring to have moments that evince personal growth-- and the more surprising its direction, the better. Evan and I have gone camping twice since the last big update, and now I can confidently say that I like to go camping. My parents shipped me off to a handful of summer camps when I was younger, but I was too petulant and overwrought to do anything but make myself (and my cabinmates) absolutely miserable. In late May, though, when we spent a long weekend camping at Rabun Beach Campground, we both had a fantastic time. We made a great campsite, hiked up to Angel Falls, played frisbee and football, made S'mores on the campfire... We even swam in a lake. Why had I never realized before this trip how fun it is to swim in lakes? The second camping adventure at Vogel State Park was longer, but much less eventful: a massive thunderstorm rolled in the night we set up camp and was near-constant for the next three days and nights. Because there was never a chance to dry anything out, we, our towels, tents and everything else became so waterlogged that we had to drive to the gift shop and buy more towels. The icing on the cake, though, was the tarp over our tent. Every fifteen minutes or so, it dumped the rain it had pooled into the mud at the corner of the tent where my head lay, producing a long, loud, wet farting noise: Phbbbbbbbbt. This went on day and night through the entire trip. Phbbbbbbbbt. Even at the time, it was miserable and ridiculous enough to be marginally funny. The trip was something of a wash (no pun intended), but the experience was still valuable. However subtle the shift may be, I have a different view of myself because of it.

Whoo, that's some pretty hardcore navel-gazing right there, ain't it? Phbbbbbbbbt. I promise that not everything that's happened lately is about me. Probably the biggest event, in fact, was not. Two friends from UGA, Jennifer and Amish, got married on July 1st in the UGA Chapel. It was the first wedding of my adult life, and while I was unsure what to expect, it was actually a great time, and genuinely moving. Really, though, getting to celebrate a special occasion with close friends I haven't seen in years-- how couldn't it have been? Rachel also held the bachelorette party at my place while I stayed with Evan, and I think spending a night in a small apartment with over twenty partying women had to be the most exciting event in Pharaoh's life in a very long while. (During the quick peek I got, he was stretched out on the living room table soaking up the attention.) There are some pictures from the reception, but Jen has since kidnapped them to Argentina. More on this as it unfolds.

The next ten days or so are slated to be ridiculously busy at work as hoardes of students arrive to move into their apartments and, in doing so, herald the end of summer and quiet in Athens. Hopefully I'll find a way before then to send this summer off on a fittingly high note.

2006-07-07T20:08:00.000-04:00

We had an awful storm on July 4th that knocked out our power with a clap of thunder. When I turned my computer back on, WinXP suddenly informed me that a network cable was unplugged. Tried other cables; same problem. Got a new modem from Charter; no help. Last night I finally buckled and bought a new ethernet card (down to $20 these days) and now I'm online again-- except that WinXP still reports that a network cable is unplugged and refuses to believe otherwise. I'm officially done with Windows. My next computer, desktop or laptop or whatever it may be, is going to be a Mac.

2006-06-04T21:37:00.000-04:00

All gods who receive homage are cruel. All gods dispense suffering without reason. Otherwise they would not be worshipped. Through indiscriminate suffering men show fear and fear is the most devine emotion. It is the stones for altars and the beginning of wisdom. Half gods are worshipped in wine and flowers. Real gods require blood.
- Zora Neale Hurston��

2006-06-01T11:25:00.000-04:00

Reason #30,882 why I am destined never to look cool at a gym:

My new tattoo is now a little over a week old, which means I'm still having to lotion it several times a day to keep it from drying out. (As an aside, I'll be posting some pictures of the final result shortly. It looks awesome.) (As another aside, and for my future reference, the best tattoo lotion by far of the many I've tried has been Lubriderm.) On Monday afternoon I planned to work out, shower at the gym and then run errands, so I brought a change of clothes and the lotion with me. On the drive to the gym, though, the bottle slipped out of my bag and down between the passenger seat and door. Once I found a parking space I wedged my fingers down to try to pull the bottle out by its neck; naturally, the top popped off, gushing lotion everywhere. I couldn't pull the bottle loose without forcing even more lotion out. Once I finally did, my hands and much of the car were splattered with it... and inside the bottle was one huge, curly pubic hair. And so, sitting in my car in the gym parking lot, with my lap and hands covered in gobs of lotion, I had to sit with a lotion bottle in my lap trying to fish out a big ol' pubic hair, which, being covered in lotion of course, constantly slipped out from between my fingers and down further into the bottle. During this struggle the people parked on either side of me left the gym and actually stopped to gawk at me before getting in their cars, though to their credit I can only imagine what all this must have looked like. Having just started going to the gym my confidence and ease there are still very shaky, and going through mishaps like this doesn't help. I love working out, and I hate the fact that I feel so damn awkward there.

Speaking of anxiety, my boss is going on vacation all next week, which means I'll be head honcho. The longest I've ever run things on my own has been two days, and the prospect of going for five is making me lose sleep. I never really notice just how many decisions and bizarre situations fall in the manager's lap every day until it's me who's in the spotlight. At the same time, though, it's also a little exciting. I'm going to ban all bottles of lotion from the office just to be safe.

2006-05-18T23:15:00.000-04:00

I called a local florist in my mother's town in Arizona on May 2nd and scheduled a very expensive arrangement to be delivered to her on Saturday, May 13th. I also asked that they called me to confirm its delivery. Despite the fact that they happily charged my credit card the same day I called, the flowers were not delivered and no one called me nor my mother about it. I didn't find out about this until I called her on Mother's Day and asked if she liked the flowers, to which she replied, "What flowers?" Thus ensued some Pretty Righteous Fury.

But this is actually not a story of divine wronged-consumer vengeance. I left the lady a furious message Sunday night, but once the flowers were delivered on Monday--an incredible arrangement, my mom said, that came with profuse apologies--and I actually spoke to the store owner on the phone Monday afternoon, it was hard to stay angry at her. In fact, I almost felt guilty, despite how she'd messed up something so important to me. All I could think was, This is a woman who's made it her job to make people happy with flowers; why do I need to shit on her just because she made a mistake that she ultimately rectified?

Then I began to wonder why it's so easy (and often enjoyable) for me to go to work every day and throw people out of their apartments over money that's not even mine, yet in situations like this, when my own money's involved, I suddenly become all zen? Is this a good thing, or bad? Or does it even matter?

No answers, just dumb questions.

In other news, my sister's graduation was this past weekend and Evan, I and the whole extended family turned out to her place on Sunday to celebrate. She got her second Masters and is now doing something she really loves. I'm as thrilled for her as I am jealous of her. This was also, coincidentally, the one-year anniversary of my own graduation. Sometimes I look back on everything I've done since then and I marvel; other times I feel like I've completely wasted the whole damn year. (Another, far minor note on the subject of anniversaries: I forgot to note in mid-April when this journal turned five years old. I'm amazed it's lasted this long, frankly.)

Since my nightly workouts at home have largely plateaued, on Tuesday night I mustered my courage and joined a good (though perhaps faltering) local gym. Evan was generous enough to show me all the machines and help me work out (haha get it?) a routine to do three times a week. Things are in motion, baby! I'm finally getting into the shape I've always wanted.

Tomorrow's my first solo workout, so I'm heading to bed. I'll need all the energy I can get.

2006-05-03T22:38:00.000-04:00

Three days was not nearly enough time to do everything we'd planned in Asheville, but we certainly made the most of it! We dedicated almost all of Saturday to the Biltmore estate, where the crowds were even more massive than usual: April was the Festival of Flowers, and there were also Easter egg hunts being held on the front lawns throughout the day. Because of this, timed passes were required for the house tour, and despite arriving at noon the passes we got were for 2:15. Snap! We spent the time wandering the gardens and lawns, getting lunch and checking out the shops. The tour of the house itself, covering four floors and 60-something rooms, lasted over two hours. We enjoyed it so much that we're planning to get annual passes so we can go back for more, especially around Christmastime. Needless to say, I'd strongly recommend a visit to anyone with even a mild interest, as the scope and grandeur of the place are simply incredible. In-house two-storey organ, basement pool and embossed Spanish leather wallpaper, anyone?

To illustrate the massive size of the estate and its grounds I made a panoramic image of several shots I took by the entranceway. It's fittingly huge itself-- 4189x1024-- and can be enjoyed here. A more reasonable 1200x293 version, as well as some of our (well, Evan's) best photos of the grounds and gardens, can be found here.

On Saturday night I got to introduce Evan to Bec and Monica, though we didn't get to stay very long, and on Sunday we headed back to Athens. It's such a painless drive that there's really no reason we can't drive up after work on a Friday and come back the following Sunday. I hope we'll be able to do it again soon.

This past weekend was the Twilight Criterium, a huge bike rice held in downtown Athens. Despite the fact it's held annually, this is the first year I went. Watching a sea of professional bikers blaze past quickly enough to cause a burst of wind with each lap was enough to make me feel pretty damn lazy. They were also much too quick for my camera phone, but I still tried.

I need to wrap this entry up because Evan and I are leaving bright and early tomorrow morning to head to Charleston for the weekend, which has always been entertaining and beautiful.

May is turning out to be a busy month: next weekend is my sister's graduation party in Atlanta. Not long after, Wicked: The Musical arrives in Atlanta, and I fully intend to witness it. On the 23rd, I'm getting my second tattoo done at Pain & Wonder by the same woman who did my first one. Many pictures to follow, naturally, including some of the design, whenever I finalize it.

Now I will leave you with some links. How books are really published; a good ephemera blog; a hedgehog blog (hedgeblog?); Richard Simmons on Whose Line; and all about polyphasic sleep. I think that should have something for everyone.

See y'all on the flipside, and hopefully with a respectable tan.